It's Selfish, I Know

Your light consumed me like a black hole can swallow all of its surroundings

I was captivated, a smile that could move all of the broken mountains within me and rebuild them

a sweetness as tender as the beauty in the sunsets I resent

a year of my time has been blocked by you

a picture painted of perfection and a sculpture of you that was created by the master of her own fate to protect my heart from climbing the broken mountains that you helped me with

I hate that you don’t think of me like I do of you

It’s selfish, I know

A stranger that has become my reverie when I am lonely in the valleys of those broken mountains that have began to crumble again only after I realized that you weren’t real

A figment of my imagination to help me compensate all of my hurt

On the screen you remain with the intent of that damn light

I remember every word you said to me and yet they were just in passing to you, they made me feel whole

And once I came to the finding of the wholeness that they gave me, it then became more of a hole than anything

The burning in my lungs when I hear your laugh, I am tortured by this fantasy I cannot get out of my head

You are not just rich in money and chocolate pigment; you hold all of the warmth from the sun and all of the fire that burns in every fireplace at Christmas time

The fire you lit inside of me that I not only resent but love more than my own sanity

This is my own fault though

You didn’t know any better

I have a tendency to break my own heart with the fake realities I create in my head about real men

You have taught me more about myself than I ever thought you would in the year I have been pining over you

I want you

You want me

But the picture I have painted will forever tarnish what we could ever possibly have

And so here I let go of this idea that you are everything I may need and remember that you are living your life across the world and I am just the girl loving you from behind the computer screen that you haunt every single day that I see your face

That face that brings me so much joy that it scares me

But I love you, and I need to let go of this idea of you before I fall in love with you and break my own heart once again.