Installment I

I feel so fragile.

I can soar at the smallest of compliments but shatter at seemingly innocent words.

Words like "almost"; so lightly used by the speaker they seem like a flutter on the breeze, but in my mind cause waves of doubt and in my heart weigh heavy like a stone.

Shallow, is the word, I think.

I'm wading in emotions, not enough to feel them deeply but just to feel enough.

Or am I, in fact, wading through pain? And it's words like this that alert me to that fact. The fact that I am no longer wading but drowning but too blind to see.

Or do I not want to see? Have I been aware of my self-destruction this whole while but too scared to confront my reality?

I wonder. While I wade. I wonder.