Insomnia

Just another day at work.

My daily hustle, I get paid to be nice to people on the phone and act like I'm generally happy.

Because no, of course not, I did not cry myself to sleep last night.

And of course I'm happy, I'm always happy.

I don't stay up at night late into the wee hours of the break of dawn. I'm not a time traveler who lives between generations.

You know living in my past stuck in presence unsure of my future.

I feel so dead that I'm alive, I feel so ugly that I'm almost beautiful.

The obsession, you know. To hold on to what's left. As if I had anything to begin with. I'm such a pessimist sometimes it kills me. Literally.

Guilt trip my self to sleep each night.

You know that Catholic guilt.

What I was raised on.

What does death feel like?

Why am I so afraid of something I won't feel?

k let's not talk about it.

Because I actually don't.

I don't want to die.

I want to live.

I'm alive but it's not enough. I want to live, like really LIVE.

To be ALIVE.

That's why I don't want to die.

Because now

Now I'm just being positive.

I always ask my self what about tomorrow?

It's like a Christmas present that you just can't wait to open.

They say life is a gift.

It is a gift. I agree.

A gift that you keep getting every day.

And every day it's something different. Sometimes you'll love it and sometimes you won't.

And like all good things it will come to an end one day.

But I don't know when that day is, and I would rather not know.

Until then I will continue to open my new gift each day for as long as I keep getting them.

And the unspoken rule is, we don't return gifts to the ones that gave them to us in the first place.

You cherish gifts.

So ever day I get my gift, I open it, the good the bad the ugly. I'll take it

I want it all.

I'm greedy,

selfish,

Burdened beneath this load of gifts.

But it's never enough. So I stay up late at night in high anticipation.

And I ask myself.

What about tomorrow?

What gift will I get?

What about tomorrow.