Inconsistency

i never know how to start. this. if i could i would just take you right to the feeling i am in right now, i would show you the color i see, the physical pain i feel, the smell around me, on me, in me. i would take you there, if i could. i swear i would. so that you could shut up and just get my being. maybe you would tell me that everyone gets through stuff and it's all good. it's all g-o-o-d, i am pronouncing every letter quietly. the thing is, i am not suffering, i basically have no worries. this darkness or whatever this is (possibly i am clueless) makes me grudge because of my life, the choices i've made, the places i went to, the faces i touched, the men i wrote poems for, the good people i left. the silly little things that brought me here. to the internal hate of who i am and who i could be. i would revise every little choice; and my life would be consistent. we'd meet, you'd get to know me, i'd talk a lot. about my job at some cliché racist company, we'd get married, have kids and we'd just go. we'd become the eternity and we'd be free. does this make sense to you? you see, i am not satisfied with my life, because i am tired. of constantly fighting for my wings. it's that simple and it's all g-o-o-d. there is something about monday's taking me to a different place of madness and pettiness. why am i calm? why am i silent? monday's, they are like that. you wouldn't want to see me on a monday, i'm blurred, hoodie on, bleak eyes, and no compassion to anyone or whatsoever. i would not care. especially right at this moment. i pulled you all to pieces. and threw these pieces away.

my eyes still wander. they investigate, try to find some instability left in me. i remain calm, dreaming of something i already told you about. were you listening? are you still here? good. all g-o-o-d. let me tell you about the boy i met ten years ago. let me tell you about the boy who is so consistent it makes me cry. how come some people just know. what to do, where to go, they just go with it. with life. with their souls imprisoned and visions shut. they just go. on. this boy, he is one of these lucky people. and it was so appealing to lay with someone like this, it still is. i could never imagine that after all these years i would suddenly become infatuated by this. he finds me alienating and every time i look at him, every time i dive in his poisoning green eyes, i see fear. something about this fear. waking you up from your own self and beating you up. you could be like me, let me show you, he says. he turns on his phone and shows me. all of it. i felt sick instantly. how. this gorgeous. god of a man. could be this. it's truly sad, that i would want to change for someone. that i would give up my wings for green poison i fell into. the fight keeps going. we'd kiss and we'd become the same. eventually the spell would be broken. and i would become the other one. the one who just goes on. just like him/just like everyone. but is this really worth it? on monday's i feel like it really is. why not simply give up? and all this because of a boy? right. it's all g-o-o-d.

the usual. uncertainty. in everything. if you are still here, if you head all your attention on this, you already know. i call the boy lucky, i want some consistency, but i proceed hating all this. and loving all this. monday's, right? i am simply not able to differentiate between the two. where have we been headed to? bubble. bubble. you live in a bubble, my brother mumbled.

it’s dark, we are laying on the bed, i am breathing heavily, trying not to blink to make my eyes hurt. the boy i used to love (i think) says, if you really wanted me, you would have taught me. you would have shown me. i say, trust me, i would if i wasn’t in between these two worlds. there is a choice to make. a choice you will not be able to erase off your story. but not on a day like this. not on a monday.

and that's the gamble driving me insane, making me overthink every detail of my life. but is it really important? all these choices. all these details.

no matter which world i give in to, no matter who that boy is. there is a path i got on. and there is nothing and no one keeping me out of it. bubble. bubble. burst the bubble, i say to my brother.