Imbalance

When I was younger I felt so

Terribly alone and I was sure that

No one could ever truly love me with

The depth that I would love them

I swore to myself that I was

Destined to live in solitude

So that I would never have to

Hurt because of someone else

I felt as though I was stuck in the

Middle of a vast ocean, unable to

Come up for air and unable to let

Myself drown.

There was an imbalance in

My brain, but I ignored its

Every signal; I brushed them

All aside because every young

Woman is expected to exaggerate

The details of her life

So the years went on, the signs

From my brain got worse and worse

I started tearing my skin apart in the

Hopes that I could find a release for all

Of the hurt my tiny frame held

It felt like I was running down a

Never-ending hallway, towards a light in

The distance, but with every step I took

My surroundings became darker

And darker.

By the time I started my four years

Away at college I

Knew that something had to be

Terribly wrong inside of me

But I still refused to open my mouth

For fear of the judgments that come

With seeking help in times of weakness

So I stayed quiet, turning now to poorly

Mixed drinks consumed in sweaty basements

Surrounded by other people masking their

Insecurities and their pain

I often thought of death – not because I desired

To end my life, but rather because I wondered who

Would even notice if I was gone

I tried to talk about my struggles, but early on I learned

That a plastered-on smile and the white lie that everything

Is fine will send the therapist on her way while

Feeding the destructive monster in the back

Of my mind

It felt like I was trapped in a spider’s web

That I had spun myself.

Now I can feel the darkness

Creeping its way back into my mind

Oozing its way through my veins until

It occupies every inch of my being

I cannot find rest, even when my eyes

Refuse to stay open

Every bite of food feels as though it could

Make me explode, even though I haven’t

Eaten all day

The clouds still follow overhead even when the

Sun is shining its brightest

I cannot find energy to move, even when my

Determination to succeed lifts my spirits

It feels like I am stuck in a maze

With a color-coded map, and when I

Look at it I realize I am colorblind.