I’m Done With Him

I always said I’d leave

“I'm done” “I can’t do this anymore”

These are things I’d scream to myself

Hands twined in my hair, staring at my reflection as if I don’t know whose staring back.

I remember shaking, face more red than apples

As if ripping my heart out starting at my chest ending at my toes wasn’t enough

You always knew every word you said impacted me and you used it against me

And I let you, I let myself be dominated by you

You took my insecurities and twisted them into something not even I can untwine

I lost myself

And fucking me will help this void we both built?

Anything to make this hurt go away, I’ll do anything to feel close to you again

To think touching you one last time will help the fact that you have another women at home now.

It won’t, it didn’t

At least it isn’t just me getting used like old rubber bands

Over

Over

And over again

Who am I to inflict what you caused me, on her

Is that my revenge? Or am I praying my own happiness is what I get in return

How dumb must I be to think the hurt you caused doesn’t still make my mind wonder at night

I hurt myself letting you make me believe the things you did

You had me sooo fooled that it was my doing

That I ruined us that I was the problem

Fuck you for playing checkers with my mind

Fuck you for diminishing who I am

I would have done anything in my power for you

You didn't even want to stay with me

Why was I fighting so hard?

For someone that did not want me in return?

I use to reminisce on your eyes and the simple things like laying in bed and watching your chest rise and fall

I’d soak up anything you said

Every word

Now all I remember is cumming as I rip nail marks in your back

Tears rolling down my eyes because I know you're going home

To her

I remember when it was me, when it was me you were coming home too

Now you have her plus one

And I still continue to fuck you

I still continue to have control over my life

Letting you in when you have a baby on the way

Stabbing me in my eye sockets would of hurt less than that news

And you're sorry, and you can’t leave right?

I can.

And I will because my worth is more than some dead beat adolescent who can’t seem to find the means to grow up

To treat a women how he’d want his mother treated or his daughter

There’s no more heart ache when I hear your name

There’s nothing humble about you.

There’s no future with you

And I know that now, I know that now.

God I wish I didn’t have to find out like this

But everything happens for a reason and if god wanted you there, you’d be there

It wouldn’t hurt so much

It wouldn’t make me drop to the floor screaming

Crying so hard it feels like blood is coming out of my eyes

That isn’t love and I know that now

It feels like I just got done hiking Mount Everest and the top hasn’t been more rewarding

And what’s at the top?

My clarity, my self love, and my strength.

I can walk away now, I can better myself

I cannot let you take anymore than you already have

I must find myself in the torn up rubble you left behind

And I must grow

Without

You