I’ll Leave Your Clothes and Records on Your Porch When I’m Ready

It’s January and you said,

“You’re nothing.”

and I wish that your fist to my face hurt more

than the words you spat out because

bruises fade and the swelling stops

but what you said was acid to previous wounds

you left me and it was the pain that darkens your heart

and I wish I could take back that night entirely

wash it from my memory

because that was the first day of the year

and you fucked it up for me

and you said,

you said you loved me two days later

I wish I said that hearing that

from you makes me sick

because it did.

It’s February and you said

“Come home with me.”

Without hesitation I did because

I was tired of fighting with you

while drunk and in bars

and we took pictures that night and they’re my favorite

but I wish I could feel the need to hate them

hate them the way I feel you hate me

and you said,

you said that I caused this – this separation between us

it was 3:43 am and I agreed

the same way I did when I was seventeen

and my rapist said those exact three: words you caused this

I tied myself to my bed yet again

and I drank myself dizzy

and hung out with other boys

boys that I kissed, boys that I fucked

I wish I told you to fuck off

and I wish that you would’ve listened

because I needed that then.

It’s March and you said

“Don’t be sad”

when I told you I was feeling down

and I wish I told you to tell me more than that

and I wish I told you that you were the sole purpose of my pain

but I didn’t.

and you said

you said that you’ll come back for me

when I questioned why you left the party without me

I know you love me drunk and vulnerable

I know you only love me when you’re drunk and vulnerable

you pinned me up against the wall

once we got into your house

and fucked me with so much hate and I loved it

but instead of finishing, I cried in your bed

and you got upset

and I want to know

do you get upset that I cry before you cum or

because I close you off?

It’s April and you said

“I want to die”

and I told you not to kill yourself

but I wish I told you that I do too

and it’s something I’ve felt for over half my life

which is fucked up since I wasn’t 22 just yet

and you asked about the other boy who I let fuck me

and you asked if I liked it

and I wish I told you that I did

because it would’ve made things easier

but you looked at me with such disgust

as if it was only okay for you to fuck other girls

multiple girls even while I’m in your house

and how it was inexcusable for me to let another person

touch me

I don’t belong to you

and you said

you said nothing.

not a damn word when I explained how

I was drowning but overall I just wanted you

warm and healthy

and I wish that was the last of it

I wish you stayed quiet

I wish you stayed away

because I deserved to move on.

It’s May and you said

“I don’t know what I want”

and it made my skin burn because

I fought through all my confusion

just so that it could be us in the end

and I told you that you make me feel used

and you didn’t understand how

I wish I shook you

like a ragdoll

as I showed you my scars from all the hurt

you’ve caused me

but instead I sat in silence because I never

know how to talk to you

and that is your fault, not mine

and you said,

you said you love me once again

I wish told you to let me out of the car

I wish I never went over that night

and I wish I didn’t let you kiss me or touch me

because I didn’t need you to poison me any longer.

It’s June and you said

“I want you stay”

when I told you that I was leaving your party

and of course you asked, because you knew I would

so of course I stayed and I wish I didn’t.

and after we fucked you asked if I felt guilty

and I said no

but I wish I told you that I showered when I got home

and that I scrubbed my body until it bled

in foolish attempts to get your prints

off of my skin

and you said

you said that you think you might like some girl

you have a past with

and I told you to go for it

and I wish that you did

but instead you got mad

which didn’t make sense then

but I get it now, you needed to see my reaction

you needed to know where I stood with you

I wish I convinced you that I was okay

with your like for her

and I wish I pushed you to ask her out

because that would’ve been for the best.

It’s July and you said

“I’m here.”

and I wish you never said that

and I wish I didn’t say it back

or at least mean it

because part of me knew you were lying

because part of me knew that you just

don’t want to be alone and

I’m always just a “wolf” cry away

and I wish that wasn’t the case

and you said,

you said happy birthday to me but that was all

I never understood why you didn’t make

an attempt to see me

I don’t think I ever will

I wish you didn’t come to my house

and I wish I didn’t go to yours

because that wasn’t the right thing to do

and by this point we’ve been at it for a year

and that’s messed up to think about

I wish you never told me you wanted to be with me

when you briefly moved to another town

and I wish I never told you I wanted that too

and I wish I never got involved with you

and I wish we never started this

because you’re no good for me.

It’s August and you said

“I don’t know why I’m like that”

when we discussed all the wrong-doing you’ve done

especially to me

and it was followed by you telling me that you

no longer wish to be stuck in your horrible way

and I wish I ended this staged relationship

then and there

because your words are as empty as your heart

you’ve been this way for years

so putting trust in you would be a fools move

and it was a move I wish I didn’t make

and you said,

you said please as a plea when I tried to let you

go again

because you betrayed the last of my trust

and I wish I stayed away for longer than a week

and I wish that was enough for me to call it quits

because you don’t deserve me.

It’s September and you said

“I’ve been good”

as in you haven’t slept with other girls

as in you stopped drinking

as in you gave up lying

and I wish I shut you up

and it’s your birthday and I tried my best

to see you

but that wasn’t a two-way thing

and you said

you said you didn’t understand how I could

feel as though I’m not enough for you

and I wish I displayed the agony you bestow on me

and I wish I told you to look at the past

because the answers are there

and I wish that I told you being decent for a month

doesn’t change everything

and I wish that when I went over to talk to you

that I didn’t kiss you

and I wish that I left you with your heartbreak

because that’s what you deserve.

It’s October and you said

“I’m leaving for 4 days”

so now you’re in another town

I wish that you don’t come back

I wish that you would stay there

because I love you

and that’s the problem

and you said,

you said that you’re trying

but please, stay away from me

you’re gone but there are truths

that you have tried to drown

and I wish I never made myself believe you

and I wish that you would leave me alone

and when you ask if I’m done I want to tell you

yes as in there is no more you and me

and I wish when I say it, I say it honestly

and that this is finally the end

but I won’t say anything

because I need to fight against this urge to come

to your rescue

because I need to fight against my thirst for you

I wish that this time I am stronger

I wish that this time I stay gone

and I wish that this is last and final time

I say goodbye

because I deserve a better love than this.