I Was Slowly Killing Myself

I was slowly killing myself

Staring at a mirror, yet seeing everything else but me

I was unhappy, unmotivated and nothing I did ever changed that

I was watching the world pass me by but was simply to numb to move

I was an anorexic girl living in a big world

Completely surrounded by beauty norms thrown at me that I couldn't handle

And what was left was bones

No flesh

No warmth

Nothing to love

And still I will never be thin enough

It was a constant battle with the mind because I was so hungry and so weak

But my mind created a monster

And she called for war

Anorexia is a mental illness with physical side effects

When you stop eating it's okay because at first your stomach only growls enough for you to hear

But then you begin to fall suddenly into a depression that has taken over

So fast

So fast that you never had any time to stop it

You begin to forget what it means to live

You forget things

You forget that you used to feel all right

You forget what it means to feel alright because you feel like shit all the time

And you can't remember what it was like before

People take the feeling of full for granted

They take for granted the feeling of steadiness of hands that do not shake

Heads that do not ache

Stomachs that do not begin to wake up the night

Calves and thighs knotting in muscles that are beginning to eat away at themselves

And I know I don't look fat

But I feel fat

And I see fat

And although it's been better

It will never go away