I've Never Felt So Alone In A Crowded Room

I've never felt so alone in a crowded room

The voices that ring all around me can't even break the barrier

The happy smiles that lay smugly on everyone's faces fail to infect me

They all look at me and wonder why

But they don't understand

They can't understand

They don't know

They can't feel what I feel

That dragging sensation

The painstaking effort it takes to lift my lips to talk

Smiling, well that's a laugh

When my whole world feels black what there to strain muscles in my cheek for

I've never felt so alone in a crowded room

Those I hold close sit by me and stare at me with dismay

They say that talking will help

It won't

It never does

Especially when I don't even know what it is that drags me down

That takes me away so fast

The sudden need to hide away can hit so quick that it startles even me

I was not long ago like them,

One of the choral voices

One of the infected smiler's

All it takes is one second for it to strike

Most say its just mood swings

But I know it's not

Its deeper than that

And though teenage mood swings can be big and varied

Not many go as deep as people like me do

That unbearable want to cry

I suffered for years in the dark

Scared to reach out

Scared to be vulnerable

Five years to recovery and now my world has colour

I dip into the shadows occasionally but now coming up is easier

I've never felt so contented in a crowded room