I've Grown

I’ve grown since you’ve been gone

I’ve finally found what i’ve been searching for

what has been holding me back all these years

I’m Scared

Scared that i’ll never find the one i can give my heart to

but it must mean something when you stayed up all night with me

sitting on lawn chairs in your garage

as we chain smoked the night away

and that you can uncover my thoughts without trying

I’ve grown since you’ve left and i’m almost a whole person now

the world seems brighter and music sounds sweeter

i still miss the sound of your voice

my old security blanket

I’ve done some regrettable things since you’ve been gone

I gave my body to someone who doesn’t love me

just to stop thinking of you

but it didn’t work.

this isn’t the first time either

that night i ran to you telling you how he loved me

i really had just let him use me

and needed to dip into your over flowing bucket to feel real

your smile shined brighter than the sunrise we waited for

but never came

never once did I not look at you

and scream in my head

i love you

I’ve been wanting to tell you everything since you’ve been gone

but i still have yet to find the words to say it all

i’m a dictionary spilled onto the floor in a jumble of lost trains

The more time away from you the easier it is to construct sentences

but they crumble at my fingertips when i try to share them

and like a waterfall i crash in a deafening sound of white noise

i could easily scream into a void and the silence would sound louder in my heart

i have destroyed myself only to build myself a new

and men have lined up to tell me they love me

but they’re not who i want

i don’t want a prince in shining armor because the reflection is blinding

i want a love with dirt under his toenails and a heartfelt crooked smile

and i don’t want to feel tired all the time anymore

i want to feel something new something i actually enjoy

that 30 minutes we spent felt like a lifetime of weight was lifted

and that nothing else mattered

other than that

i’m terrified