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I Used to Always Love

The Intro

By The incredible Rin chanPublished 6 years ago 3 min read
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I used to always love-

But that's because I never understood what it really meant.

My heart was always empty like that glass I had always left in the refrigerator as a kid because I hated doing dishes.

I've never been truly satisfied or fulfilled because I never knew any dream worth chasing;

I never chased anything worthwhile -

When I knew that I could fall and break easy like the good china that my mom always kept in the back of the cabinet for those special occasions that were far few in between,

Or like the self esteem I'd shelved for months now -

Those books I kept getting from the library but reluctantly never opened because I knew that they'd change me in a good way and it made me afraid.

And while still afraid I'd shout out false love statements and people would come to relish in those funky beats that I never known were created.

I wouldn't care though... I'd still dance with him or her to hyperbolic tunes-

I misstep at every turn because I can't follow any beats lasting longer than the length of my feet-

And they are both left so I only dance in circles to the same tune to which I'm told is incorrect,

Yet it makes me reminisce on why I can't cry - after doing it for so long, my aqueducts have finally dried up.

So now I can't live up to the name crybaby anymore cause I only can muster up one tear ,which is inconvenient when people open up to me, because they think that my emotions have returned from the their permanent vacation and I end up pedaling off soft lies upon which people would note as sympathy but really I'm just wondering if I had closed the plastic bag that my cereal comes in because I often burst the bag open when I pull too hard at the edges.

I do that with people too...

Because they look deep into my soul for all these expectations , these hurdles that I'm expected to jump, these leaps of faith that I'm supposed to make , and the great fall that I only take when I'm reassured that there's no one to catch me because I'm so independent that I'd rather just pick up my own pieces, keep restarting and rebuilding instead of constantly hearing the deafening cacophony of an anxious mind that's always expecting the worst because life is my personal conditioner and I always forget to use shampoo.

I keep hearing that I'm a handsome man with a nice stature but that one stranger told me that I'm ugly so now I stack everyday on top of that one insecurity so far up that is at a height that my confidence will never reach. I live each day in a mess of confusion and drinking to disguise that all I am is a ball of my own thoughts scrambled on a skillet that I have never used because I haven't ever learned how to cook, which is probably why I'm forever starving for something more- no matter how much I've already got.

However, it's a good thing because it lets me know the type person that I am-

That I can't save anyone or anything,

I can't swim so I often drown in my own mistakes, and that my luck has gone horribly sour like the milk I'd left sitting out too long because I often take poor care of things when I need them most so now I know that I used to never love...but I'm always willing to try.

sad poetry
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About the Creator

The incredible Rin chan

I'm a magical cat that has no earthly idea what I'm doing.

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