I Smile

Thoughts race through my head at a million miles a minute

All a jumbled mess telling me things I don't want to hear

and yet I can't help but feel

from the depression consuming me

I'm trapped in the void, that empty darkness

cold and merciless

isolated and defeated

crying for somebody, anybody to pull me out of the cavern

so deep in this hole I find myself and all the while,

no every time I find myself here, I pull myself out

crawling toward the light of happiness and pure bliss

but I can't anymore

I can't pull myself up, and I can't pull myself out

years of fighting and crawling and climbing and my body is tired

my soul is tired

and here I lie in the void,

curled up like a child

hoping someone will find me and yet knowing that no one will

And yet... I smile

The voices in my head will they ever cease?

Feelings of doubt overwhelming, exploited and proved justified by the voices in my head

telling me that I can't, that I'm not good enough, that I'm weak, that I'm stupid that I can't handle it

The voices in my head scream louder and louder

and I can't take it anymore

until I lie on my bed crying hysterically hoping it will all end

pleading with the good God above to make it stop and yet it doesn't

it never does

the voices in my mind, a constant reminder, a reflection of my past present and future failures

no matter my accomplishments, they just don't seem to matter

the voices in my head always reminding me that I will never be good enough

And yet... I smile

It doesn't stop at the inner turmoil of my subconscious mind

because the voices on the outside aren't much better

a sprinkle of encouragement and love seem so insignificant in this poisonous state that I'm in

no escape from the toxic atmosphere suffocating me

the inner conflict tearing me apart

is the way I live my life not worth giving up to save someone else's?

it's not fair that the burden always falls to me

it's not fair that the weight of everyone's problems should fall to me when I’m just one person

For years I’ve carried the burden and now I just can't

I find myself falling again and again

constantly tripping and bleeding and being crushed under the pressure of unrealistic expectations

And yet... I smile

I smile through the pain and depression

the loneliness and torture

the subjugation and oppression

the silencing of my voice

my freedom gone

my happiness gone

everything that made me, me

gone

And yet... I smile

I smile so that I don't cry

I smile to not show weakness

I laugh to distract my depression

I joke to forget my problems

but they're there, they always are

they don't go away just because I will them to

I lost that power long ago

I smile so much that I don't know what a real smile is anymore

I smile when I'm sad

I smile when I'm mad, frustrated, upset

I smile when I cry

Always... I smile

Because despite everything

I hold on to the slightest bit of hope that one day it will get better

and one day, this will just be a small paragraph in my book

and so I smile

because although it's hard now, it won't be like this forever

although I feel weak now, I won't forever

although I feel stupid, I won't forever

although I'm sad and lost in the void of utter darkness completely blinded and deafened by the voices and bodies of lifelessness surrounding me, I won't be here forever.

But for a sliver of hope, small as it may be, I smile