I Need a New Apartment

hello.

I need a new apartment.

Please buy this one.

It has running water,

electricity is working fine.

sometimes the walls talk and tell me to kill myself.

the kitchen is big and has a fridge,

stove, microwave, I will even leave behind my rice cooker

as a nice little bonus for you.

There are monsters who hide in the shadows I cast,

and they will try to kill you.

It has one bathroom,

a nice shower and huge bathtub.

You can try, but drowning yourself in the tub is hard.

however, the mirror is a perfect place to scream and gouge your eyes out.

The living room is a wide open space,

enough room for a couch, TV, even a coffee table!

This place is very roomy, but can get crowded

Sometimes I sit in the middle of the floor

and try to avoid making eye contact with all the demons.

Don't even get me started on the view.

the balcony overlooks the city,

full of happy people and beautiful artwork.

top floor!

I can't take one step outside without wanting to dive headfirst into the pavement.

the neighbors are very nice, kind people!

they have yet to take me up on any offers for dinner or rice,

hopefully they come around before I sell this place!

the neighbors usually ignore me and lie to me,

I have the keys to all of their apartments in my underwear drawer if you would like some copies.

please buy this apartment.

I want a new one.

Also, let me know if you have an apartment for sale,

any apartment with silent walls

and suicide-proof furniture,

thanks bye.