I'm Wondering

I'm only yards away from you, you are sleeping.

I can hear you breathe.

I watch you from the hallway.

The hallway in the home we created almost two decades ago.

Now we share an empty silence.

I whisper your name into the silence, my darkness.

You are lying on our bed.

In my dreams you are laying in the blood you have shed.

Guilt rushes over me.

I rush to your side.

It's not good to dream of someone you love dead.

You wake, I'm shaking.

Losing you frightens me.

Somehow this feels empty.

Motions.

Going through the motions.

What you should do when your significant other weeps.

I accept it as charity.

I accept it as Love.

But really what is it?

I'm wondering why I am struggling daily to find it.

Wondering exactly where it may have gone.

Curious how it may have gotten so far out of reach, so out of control.

The connection I couldn't imagine life without out.

The reality of losing it sits uncomfortably in my soul.

Living life without it fills me with doubt.

Not being able to find what's left leaves me at a loss for words.

And this is an understatement.

Racking my brain and ripping out my hair, I continue to search for it.

But I'm almost certain it's gone.

With a heavy heart I find myself lifting up couches, retracing steps, searching my car.

It's nowhere to be found.

You beg me what's wrong?

You beg me what have I lost?

You ask if you can help.

Just feel it, I tell you.

Just feel again, I weep.

Sitting together now the mood is solemn.

There used to be laughter, instead there's silence.

The uncomfortable kind.

The kind that makes you subconscious.

Uneasy.

Now what you find silly I frown upon.

You think I'm dry.

I realize I'm old.

Maybe I seem bitter, maybe I'm cold.

I realize I'm tired.

But I'm still looking for it.

I'm still fighting to find it.

I'm still fighting for us, our Love.

Do you, perchance, think we never had it?

That this whole time I imagined it.

Put upon a pedestal just to admire it in all its glory.

We had to have had it, because people recognized it.

People have asked me where did it go.

Baby where did it go?

This Love.

You felt it right?

You swore you did.

I know you did, I felt it, I felt you did.

So I watch you in our bed.

I watch you dream a thousand dreams.

Hoping just one of those dreams is about me.

I'm hoping you dream of how we used to be.

Back when we had it.

Back when we felt this crazy kind of Love.

My dreams are so vivid, and I wonder are yours as vivid too.

Do you see the colors I see?

Can you tell I still feel it by the way I look at you?

So, I wait and I wonder while you lay in our bed dreaming.

Dreaming about us.

Dreaming about our crazy Love.