I'm Lost

As a little 14-year-old, my mind wandered often towards darker paths. Oddly enough, the pain of losing my closest friend inspired my younger self to write about the loss of a lover. However, the girl isn't just a lover. She's his lifeline, his connection to a world better than any other. He had found joy in a toxic love. Should someone be so dependent on a lover for joy in life?

Small beads of sweat slowly trickle down my forehead as I think of what I’m about to do.

I could feel the blood pumping through my veins as it’s the only thing keeping me alive.

Not really.

The only thing keeping me from executing the ultimate sin is her.

She’s my sunshine.

Without her I'm lost.

I'm lost.

The drugs in my system suddenly make themselves known as a pounding headache sets in.

With the head ache came memories.

A small smile flickered across my lips but evaporated once the good memories began to fade and thoughts of that night begun to force themselves upon me.

I felt as if I was there again, my vision and hearing now warped.

She screamed at me, tears coming down in waterfalls.

I screamed back, my face flushed with anger and painful tears burning a path on my cheeks.

Things were being thrown.

“I can’t believe I loved you!”

The words had come out of my mouth sharp enough to pierce the thick atmosphere.

She froze, her hands slowly lowering with the next object she planned on flinging.

Her eyes wide, never changing the direction of her gaze, which happened to be me, she moved closer.

“You love me?”

Her voice was so small and lonely.

It sounded as if it could shatter in any moment.

I had never truthfully spoken those words to anyone but my late mother.

Did I truly love her?

I was sure of it.

I am sure of it.

But as my brain started to process the thought, it came to life and my heart was forgotten.

“Loved! Past tense!” I said.

“I love you. Present tense.” She whispered softly.

Her eyes contained so many emotions, but the most prominent happened to be love.

In a moment of despair, agony, and craze, I abruptly pressed my lips against hers.

She was shocked but quickly got over it as she realized what I was doing.

Her soft, strawberry lips melded with mine in pure perfection.

The kiss was hard, passionate, and more meaningful than any other.

It was not a jealous, deceiving, desperate kiss.

It was the kiss that had set my heart to flames.

If it wasn’t for this distraction I would have noticed the body that stood behind her.

Several sharp cracks split the air in front of me and when I opened my eyes, I was cursed with a bloody sight.

With her heart faintly beating, her numb body had slipped out of my fingers and onto the grimy floor.

“You’re a whore, a dirty, stupid whore.”

The words slurred out of the shooters sweaty mouth.

The events that haunted me suddenly slipped out of my mind as I felt a hand on my shoulder.

“What are you doing?” she said.

I love this girl, but she isn’t my sunshine.

I smiled weakly.

“I love you.”

Now as I speak those words, I think of her.

Don’t fall in love with the sun.

She will burn you alive.