I Just Want to Be Pretty

Ana helps me with my homework, usually math.

Gym, Ana loves the gym. Ana made me love the gym too.

I mean, look at her, she’s so pretty, she tells me I can be as pretty as her. She whispers encouragement during dinner time.

Ana make me cry sometimes, but it’s okay, she really is helping me!

I mean, last week I even passed out! Ana told me it was good because I was so in control. I don’t really understand that… But Ana wouldn’t lie to me.

Ana helped with my math today.

It started with breakfast.

10 ounces of cold water. +0

Throw it up, so you don’t feel full.

Now I can take extra strength Tylenol. Ana says it will help with the pain.

Lunch. 20 ounces of cold water. +0

1 bite of a granola bar. +30

Ana said we needed to stop working on math, and start on the gym.

Run for 30 minutes.

Work on other equipment for 20 minutes.

She tells me I shouldn’t have the had that granola bar.

Run for 20 more minutes.

Get dizzy, and sit for 5 minutes.

Run for another 10 minutes.

Ana says she forgives me for my bite.

Dinner.

5 pieces of lettuce. +5

3 cherry tomatoes. +9

3 tablespoons dried cranberries. +100

3 tablespoons chickpeas. +138

¼ cup cucumber. +4

=256

Ana says 286 for the day is acceptable…

I don’t like disappointing Ana.

She’s not mad, no, she never gets mad, she’d never hurt me. She’s trying to help me.

Mom just doesn’t understand.

I don’t know if I understand either.

After Ana has helped me with self-control, I can go days without eating now

Mom gives in and buys me powdered meal supplements.

Mix with milk.

Every Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and Sunday I pull out the blender, the supplements, and the milk.

Mom checks to make sure I have everything for it then goes for a smoke.

I place the milk back in the fridge and fill the blender with warm water.

I don’t know why I do this… Ana says it will make me prettier. I want so bad to be pretty.

Mom comes back and smiles at me while I sip away at what will most likely be the only thing I’ll eat all day.

I want to tell her I’m hungry

But Ana says pretty girls don’t get hungry, they simply smile.

So I smiled back at my mother.

I come home and it smells… repulsing, the smell of freshly cooked food makes my stomach rive in pain, Ana tells me it’s because the food smells disgusting and what I’m feeling in my stomach is the need to vomit.

I do as she wishes.

When I come out Mom tells me she’s made me a special dinner

It hurts a lot, it smells amazing but I can feel Ana’s eyes on me.

I thank her and tell her I’ll eat when I’m back from the gym.

She reminds me I just got back from a run.

I don’t know what to say.

She looks at me with glossed over eyes.

“Just sit and eat. Please. Please just… just eat.” I’ve never seen my mother beg.

I give her a hug

And take the keys to the gym.

I just want to be pretty.

I’m so confused.

Ana said she’d always be with me.

She said I was doing good, I was doing everything right.

When I asked why I was always bruising

She told me it had to bruise before turning clear and beautiful.

I want to be beautiful.

I asked why I was so dizzy

She told me it was good, it showed how much control I had.

I asked there was blood mixed in with the bile

She told me I was seeing things.

I asked why my body hurt so much

She told me beauty is pain

And I want so desperately to be beautiful.

Ana told me she’d never leave me…

But…

They’re sticking IVs in my arm and I try to call out for Ana

But there’s a tube down my throat and I can’t talk.

Mom sits beside me. I don’t like seeing Mom cry.

She asks me why I did this.

I think of beautiful Ana.

I just wanted to be pretty.

I’m so hungry Mommy.