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I get it.
There's nothing I can really do, or say, to explain it.
What I feel inside...
these feelings I constantly hide...
with fire within me.
A product of my reaction to the environment that destroys me.
The demon that attacks my mind.
Consumes, me... some call it Bipolar, some call it Depression, others' call it, "illness."
I call the DSM, fuckery and their opinion, a failure to understand what I am. A being... sensitive, unique, beautiful, nothing is fucking wrong with me! What you say is not true.they have never seen, or tried to comprehend. So they have a manual to tell them who I am. A hand in labelling those, they simply just don't understand.
Calling those, with abilities "troubled", disturbed, disabled, unable...
I call their "hypothesis" bullshit.
I am fine.
I simply feel the world more, than others, almost all the time.
And when I feel it deep... I get angry, scared, passionate, or even cry.
Some days, I curl up in bed...listen to H.E.R...
and I feel like I could even die...
to save me from me.
From a world, desecrating itself, it's people... consumed in greed and wealth.
Smoke a joint, meditate, scream into a pillow.
Listen to 9 by Willow.
Clenching my fists, tears streaming down my face, fingernails
puncturing my palms, as blood runs down my wrists.
Anything to restore, my piece of mind, and my health.
Anything for us to be together,
to keep my temperament, tethered to tranquillity...
despite my stormy weather.
Every time this creature gets a hold of me.
And turns me into the 'thing,' I am not, meant to be.
I know that we fought...b
I know it was bad,
I know that in anger there were some things, said.
I know what I said in that last poem that you read.
I get it... you're mad.
I was sad and had to reveal myself... my thoughts.
Pour them out like stale water, body broth.
Ooozing, festering veins, from inside...where my soul... rots
and slowly dies.
Purge the poison from my body, the lies out my eyes, just the same.
Only...it came out, plain...
Not sure if you really heard,
but I said, it.
And although I probably should... I don't regret it.
Because it had to be said.
I had to purge the poison from my head, the hate in my heart because it doesn't live there... it only tears me apart.
It eats away, at my souls' essence and doesn't care,
who it hurts...
Who it takes apart, piece by piece.
Even if it's us.
The things, it says or does...
Aren't even controlled, by me.
I'm merely there for the ride,
while it rips through people's emotions and decimates their, pride.
And you, unfortunately, were caught in the crosshairs,
were shot... and died.
So I get it,
On the other side of things...
You're battling the same, just admit it.
Thought you'd drink it away, do lines, shrooms, whatever, to get rid of it. That dark, emptiness inside, but nothing did it.
Remember I told you, then?
Not to fuck with all that shit, despite your circumstances, "even if it's recreational fam."
Because it would ruin you.
Maybe, not overdose,
but wreak havoc on your body, boo.
And you, like you always do, didn't listen.
Now the doctors found haze in your CT scans and stones of blood in your veins and now fear has you standing about face...soldier. Full attention.
I get it
Now, do you believe my bipolar rantings?
crazy man babblings?
T'was the truth.
I told you, I'm special.
The same, in some ways, but...not exactly, like you.
A watcher of sorts.
Not just the pretty temptress that loves you.
I am your Sherpa, an angel, a watcher, with broken wings, here to guide, you. Occasionally Ride, you... and watch over you, in a world, that gives zero fucks about you.
A world, like mine too.
So I get it...
The burden you must carry.
The things you've done... (did)... and regretted.
I get it...
how you feel.
Like your a visitor, in your own world and everything around you... isn't real.
Forever caught up, in your hurt, and your pain...
in mistrust, in your past. In this game.
Under the assumption that nothing last forever. Nothing ever stays the same.
Lashing out on the inside. driving yourself insane.
Screaming like a mad man, stuck in the "mud" dirty pool boy...
I can hear you call my name.
That's why I came to you, unexpected...all those years back when...
you fell in love with me, once you saw me...
wanted me for yourself, even then.
I'm always with you.
I know everything you're up to, even the things you, hide, too. I promise you, forever... I will never leave, you.
Yet, you try to kill the light I have to give you.
Hineini... Hineini... Here I am...
Writhing around on the ground, reaching up, for you, to take my hand.
Trying to live, too.
My body that was once me, my spirit, bleeding on the ground, boo.
The product (of my being) turned to ashes, unseen
sifting through life's sieve.
back to the soil without a sound in me.
Twitching, wings...now featherless, broken
around all these useless things.
I love you,
Don't let us go out like this,
withered and moulting.
Swallowed by the abyss.
I get it.
I'm burning myself, on the inside,
All this shit that's happened I'm trying to forget it.
Standing in the hell we both created,
And only you can walk into the fiery, flames and come get me
I'll be consumed not only by the creature inside me but by the flames.
I will burn with memories, experiences and names, I will never forget, including yours...and regret.
But most of all,
If you don't come...
I will burn to death.
"You want it darker? We kill the flame... "