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I Fucked It Up

... I really fucked it up.

I really, really, fucked it up... when I let the wrong people in.

I fucked it up even more with all the suicide attempts, I didn't win.
I didn't know how to deal with the turmoil my mind was in. Eating at my soul, tearing at the outer layer of my emotional skin.

Consumed from the inside out ... dying within.

Nobody. Not even my kin, nor Bill Withers, to 'lean on me, when I'm not strong...'

Not one person could just... be my friend, or help me carry on.
Seriously, broken into shards of glass on the inside, now filled with lumps of stress, cortisol leaks in my brain from the baggage that I carry from duress.

Leeches on my organs, heavy on my chest, feeding on my fears, insecurities and uncertainties that kill me.
Diminishing my essence, and the light in my eyes... 
my life...gone, floating by
love is all I had left and even that dies.
If you don't see me in time...

Keep in mind, a change could cause Grim Reaper and chance to take

you, or me, by the hand,
whether or not, we're ready.

Shaken or steady.
They will drag us there, kicking and screaming, scratching at the leftovers of life we let slip through our fingers, like sand, because
we were too preoccupied with the if's but's, or and's...

Could've's, might's or if's.

When every day brought to us was an unimaginable gift...
we took for granted.

Fucking complaining about missing the bus...
or, about that bitch who fucked your best friend.
About the promotion, you never got because you were passed by for the better man.

About the lover who never loved you, the way you wanted (in the past).
The sixteen-year-old who got knocked up,
and had the abortion with no parental consent.
The times, your parents, or your landlord, kicked your ass out in the streets, sleeping in shelters, or under a fucking bridge, on a KEEP OUT construction sign.. because you couldn't pay rent.

The Heroin addict baby mom, with the dealer boyfriend. And a Musician, ex-man with a Neil Diamond, "Heart of Gold." Stuck in the middle of her shit-storm, with steady rain. Meanwhile, an angel for a little girl, caught in the wind, weathered and torn, tries to maintain. And despite the beauty of his soul and kindness in his heart, this man now, has an "I fucking hate myself complex."
Why? Because he let this junkie whore, ruin him.

Dangle their daughter, like a pawn, in chess, in front of him...
and a little girl, "who doesn't even like her," own mother, but "wants her to get better"... despite her bullshit!

And an Inure, mind, mused on the outside, curled up, in the fetal position, on the inside, riddled with pain. Hypomanic by all the broken hearts involved in this shame...shattered to pieces, because of some next Ho's lies; a heartless, driven addict, determined to fuck up and ruin lives.

Yet, I wonder... Am I  doing the same?
No! I'm not a fucking, piece-of-shit, like her... (just the same)
But, I do have demons...
and they all have names.

Who drink the blood of the souls that cause me pain...

Pure light (and dark) both Yin and Yan drive me insane!
Intertwined in the complexity, composition
that spin my humanity.
Sometimes non-existent... even though...it seems to be.

Do you understand?

I fucked it up...
I didn't meet you, first.
I don't know what to do now.

I'm that 18-year-old who found out the guy they called, Dad, was, in fact, their Step-Father... that the woman they were supposed to trust, called mother and protect them, had been lying his whole life, just to keep her marriage together, and her past a secret.

Legend has it, she had a fight, between her and her sister, and someone spilled the beans that had her crying tears when she finally, had to tell own up and tell him.

So a bundle of nerves and a Tim Hortons visit later, they talk it through.
But...deep down inside... he's still askew.
Emotionally ripped apart and confused by all the fucked up news.
I mean, how's he supposed to feel?
That the fucking life he knew...the Mom (and Dad) he thought he loved, wasn't real.

So...who was he now?
The Muse, much like this young man, felt that strange.

Maybe it was their peculiar, un-peculiarities, in circumstance, that brought them, in range...
of unconventional love.

A bond I'm sure you're aware is shared with a latina, I once slept with,

my love.

A broken girl, with a broken Mom and deceased Dad and Brother too.
She was raised to be as hard as a coffin nail,
yet... broke to pieces when she got the news.

Went to the morgue to find them both lay cold unrecognizable from the fire that killed them...from what she was told.
Heart split open and bleeding on the inside (when she learned the truth) Her light burned out that day. But, even so, she continues to be a mother to her only love, her son...in every way.

This girl and I found each other one day, writing Spanish in Grade 11 for some essay I waited until the last minute to do.

For Mrs. Spurgeon, I think. I came to this bitches house, Carinosa, around two.

High-school... don't worry 'bout the name, just hear me out, boo.

I was attracted to her from the beginning...
her beauty, hazel eyes, long beautiful, wavy brown hair, with golden streaks, just at the tips...of blond.
And her beautiful lips.
I saw her and instantly...it became a bond.

I watched her as she went to the fridge upstairs to bring me "something to drink" and all I could taste was in between her thighs.
At least... that's all I could think.
I stopped to call Noah to say  I was chilling with her.

She'd come back and I hadn't noticed her pulling me closer to her.
It wasn't long before I was tasting her lips, enjoying her sweetness, and devouring her whole... and quivering to multiple, orgasmic twists when I decided, at that moment, that I loved her, and sealed it with a kiss... as I wiped her drink from my lips...still glistening wet.
Oh, babe... and that's just one story, of many, I haven't shared yet.

And for years to come, she'd be in my life, an unspoken hero, of sorts.
My unconventional wife.
She'd guide me someday...
and swab up all my tears, despite the pain we caused each other, back in the days.

She'd still stay close after all these years...
She'd keep me from getting too close or caught up with Matt, or marrying Tyler, or Jessica, Andrew, or Susanna or any of my one-night-flings...or flimsy relationships, people who took my love for weakness and my heart for granted.

Until I met the answer to my previous pain...
in the form of a half French-Canadian-Portuguese man.
Someone just like me.
Bruised and broken too.
Loyal as fuck! I mean it... never fucked another bird.
Even when he knew I fucked you.
Met at an intersection, one day, crossing to catch a trolley.
Stood there, in the cold, damp, kind of rain. He asked if I was chilly.

And took off his Crooks and Castle sweater and said that I "could wear it if I want, just that it's kinda old." sorta big in front. Even though he seemed skinny. The big cartoon hand with a gun as the logo looked cute and a little silly...

He asked if "I was hungry" and gave me, a box of Caldense Portuguese patties... "What we get to take home," he said, "from work."
Totally, lost in his BIG ASS brown eyes...
Plus, he loves Art!
This unbelievably gorgeous, anime character, swept me off my feet with utter generosity.

My God! Even to this day, five years later... they still spark my curiosity.
So surprisingly sweet!
So you can understand why they fell for me, and why every time I tried to leave, we'd both grovel at each other's feet.

Literally, every time we broke up.
I told my Hazel-eyed wife, I love them...
They told their best friends, and me, "we just GO together... I'm not leaving. I don't give a fuck!"

I swear, this guy was so ballsy and knew what he wanted, he just started calling me his girl and felt no way about flaunting it.
And to me, it was just fine, because I knew what I wanted.
Them to be mine.

I could do everything over.
Love again, but with him, be just fine.
No one to hit me, sexually exploit or to control me.
No one trying to change me.
But, still, I found myself, changing for them.

Even though he never asked me...

Holy fuck what a whirlwind!

The rich boogie addicts and shit heap people, that sucked us in,
back then. Trying to pedal their poison and kill us within. Oh my God, the shit that we snorted just to try to fit in.

Got me, 3 OD's and luckily none for him.

Despite their absence in the hospital... their love, I think, saved me, or...
maybe it was mine for them...

But that was then...
And even in present times, I think about how I almost lost him, and I feel a tenseness... not of sickness, but a fever that swells, and I spin from fear...

God, the resentment I developed towards him.
Including myself, for having let my weakness, and our failure to love ourselves and each other, corrupt us with sin.
Murdering our relationship and emotions with it.

I fucked it up...
When we broke up and I fucked someone else... just to ease my pain.
I don't even think I remember their name.

Just that they stalked me forever because they're fucking INSANE.
I swear to God I'd never do that again!
But, this what I mean when I say, I fucked it up.

This is who I am...
A femme fatale.
Poly-unusual, social pariah, possible sociopath.
Girl Interrupted, again...
Smash the Grapes of Wrath!
I've never really followed the rules.

That's why I went to so many alternative schools.

Because I was smart...  and did as I choose.
Never noticed the subtle queues.
The little things you tried to do and make me see,
that you loved me...even without my weave.

I know for a fact, I love you more than that f*ckboy, I cheated on named Steve, for sleeping with that Ho, from work, Coleen.
How the fuck do you cheat on a girl, like me?
That's how I started f*cking Carinosa again, zero fucks given...
Know what I mean?

I know I mean more to you than
I mean to myself.
I continued to hide my pain.
Stifle and suppressed my deteriorating

But, I think we both got lost.
And then, a studio visit later, I'm falling for the frontman from
Citizen Red.
Of course!
Because I am a riddle.
an Aphrodite with skewed goals.

Possibly fucked in the head.
I love fallen angels, and fucking the devil as
much as I love saving souls.
Even the damned ones...
filled with holes.

I feel compelled to put them back together by
tearing myself apart...
Proof in itself, that I have a heart.

I have good intentions,
despite my unconventional ways.
I'm in love with you all.
You've made me who I am... all of you,
in different ways.

This is why I love you.
Even though I haven't always been (with you)
I mean, it's been her and her ... and him (and him too).
But, I know what I feel, and all of it...
listen to me...
ALL of it is TRUE!

I don't expect you to understand, or digest it like food.

But just a thought, please...
don't get all caught up in all your own emotional blues... this isn't bad news. Just me being honest and telling what you've always known to be true. I am not easy to love, especially conventionally...to you.

I will always be wild, some might assume "trouble."
My uncle used to call me that when I was little.
As much as he loved getting wasted to Budweiser, and Jack Daniels' shots. Saying and doing unusual shit while eating peanut brittle.
I'm not kidding!

But, let's mellow the mood.
Take a moment, to listen to your inner voice, logic, notions
and embrace clarity... don't brood.

You mean the world to me.
I may not have always been yours all these years,
but it was meant to be.

You can walk out now... or stay ... or be free
I'm sick anyway.
My Karma's finally caught up with me.
I lost Olivia, Inanna, Osirus, Ra.
My children, taken from me and returned to the Gods.
Because it was meant for me...
To love their spirit only...
Unable to physically experience their laughter and light...
because I found pieces of them, in all of you.
Especially my best friend, Ry too... whom I call, "agent" Stark,
my 007 boo.

No! Despite what everyone thinks, I never fucked him too.
Just a guy who became my soul mate and my best friend.
Who I will never let go of, even though he's "an asshole" according to Grenning: a mutual, former, clingy friend.
I'll be friends with him, until the end.
All the times I've called him at 4 AM because some asshole stood me up again.

And he'd come to pick me up.

Made me care again, about myself, even when I stopped giving a fuck.
Gave me a couch to sleep on when I lost my spot.
While all of my other friends, even my partner at the time,
left me to rot.

"Sypher" was there...
Cried buckets to Chad when he thought I was using again...
But, I wasn't.
Our friendship kept me wanting to cope,  instead of partying, skiing the literal, and proverbial slopes.

So here we are now in the present day...
Not really knowing what I've got left in days.
Just a montage of memories... and occasionally fucked up ways.

And people, who might have loved me.
Maybe a few who will never, like you, be with anyone else...or put another person above me.

Still, I fucked it up...
I locked the whole world out,
I lied to myself, I lied to you what I tried to keep stealth.

Yea, not riddled with illness but, not ok...
When I'm not fighting Bi-polar or Sickle Cell trait, I'm fighting, tumours and growths, that keep coming back, and keep me puking all fucking day.
While I wait for an Eon for this doctor to say
they got the answer to this problem in the form of a specialist and they plan to fix this someday.

From here it looks Slim "What else can I say?"
But, you know me and my relentless ways.
I've never backed down to a challenge
Or accepted defeat...because, I'm still my own boss (even of this body) despite my odds...losses, or gains. I will not be BEAT!

So, I fucked it up again...
by getting back on my feet.
I'm not backing down.
I'm not being discrete.
Not shutting up...  frowning, or holding it in.
Not eating my hurt to make
others feel more comfortable in their skin.

I'm gonna tell you like it is...
just all of the facts.
And...you can choose how you want to react.

You can run.... as I had and live in the past...
Or...you can see the sky's the limit.
Travel with Alice Through the Looking Glass... and fuck the past
and all its shit.

Open our eyes to the present.
Carpe Diem...
and give yourself to the universe.
LET GO....of it
Stop saying, "I fucked it up," Shut the fuck up and just...live.

©️Inure Muse (2019)

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