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I Didn't Know

I was molested.

I didn't know that it wasn't normal
I didn't know that he took away my innocence

I didn't know

I didn't know what would happen if I let him take me by the hand
I didn't know that my childhood purity was worth more than a few dollars
I didn't know

I don't remember what age I was

I know that I was less than six
I think he was a teenager
Thinking about it makes me sick

I don't know who to tell
I don't know how to deal with it
I think it's messed up my brain
I think he's made me more promiscuous

I didn't know that it wasn't normal
I didn't know that "house" was more than a game
I didn't know that the locked door meant more than just "I don't want my parents to bother us"
I didn't know that as a kid less than six,
I should have had worries about schools,
I should have had worries about how many friends I did and didn't have
I should have had worries about what I wanted to eat for dinner that night

Instead my worries were about the man who plagued my childhood
The boy who had abused me and taken advantage of me
The monster who had normalized something that shouldn't have been
The thing that made me use my own mouth, my own voice for his own pleasure
The sickly creature that made me beg for him and then gave me a dollar to keep quiet after I was done

He ruined me
He ruined my innocence
He made me someone I didn't want to be
He made me question my existence
He made me stay up at night, crying until I couldn't anymore
He made me someone I wish I wasn't

Until a few years ago
I didn't know
I didn't know that I was molested
I didn't know

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