I Am

I am months old, not even able to speak

The doctor says it looks highly probable that someone has violated me

But he won't check any further because my privacy has been violated already

I am shown early that my body is not my own

I am two or three, living under the stairs

I wait in horror-filled silence for him to come into our room

I don't cry or speak because it's my duty to take this instead of my little sister

I am reminded that my body is not my own and is the only reason men notice me

I am thirteen and it's the summer before eighth grade

My ex-boyfriend's brother lures me away from the group

I whimper and cry as he tells me to shut up and shoves his hand up my skirt

No one believes my side of the story and I'm known as a lying snitch for nearly a year

I am fourteen at a new school

A boy I've just met pulls my pants down in front of all of our peers

They all laugh and from there, awful rumors begin to circulate about my body and undergarments

I am shown once again that my body is only for other's entertainment

I am fifteen and a boy I like kisses me

At first, I'm so excited to be doing this

Then he grabs me by a handful of hair and tries to drag me behind a wall to sleep with me

If not for his friend stopping it, I would've been shown again that my body belongs to whichever man can get enough grip on me

I am sixteen and scared

The only boy I've ever slept with tells me the baby growing inside me can't be his

He spreads rumors about me and soon the whole school is claiming to be or know someone that slept with me

I'm shown that I am totally alone and my body can be possessed by words alone

I am seventeen and I think I'm in love

I come home from a school trip and my boyfriend rapes me for the first time that day

This is not the only time it happens and I'm left wondering what to do

I begin to feel that I can not say no, ever

I am eighteen with some friends

They pull into a dark parking lot and get in the backseat with me

They team up against me and don't even pause when I vomit on one of them

I cry in the shower that night but do everything I can to hide it from everyone, even myself

I am nineteen at a party with mostly strangers

I get drunk too soon and stumble on my way to the car to go get water

A married man grabs and gropes me through my screams and pleas to stop

I am a woman and the world shows me nearly every day that my body will never belong to only me