How Do I Love?

When you ask me the question

it's always I'm just tired,

and then you say sleep,

but sleep is not the answer,

because it is not the tired in the way

That I want to sleep and count sheep

it is tired in the point of exhaustion,

exhaustion,

exhaustion takes over

like when toxins take over lungs

caused by cigarettes and liquor

or is it caused by the fact that

I believe in a love that does not exist?

yet I cannot resist his touch,

even though I know he's not as sincere as I am,

and as much as I want to give up on him I can't,

because that would mean giving up on myself

and for me to give up on myself

is like putting a book that you haven't even finished back on the shelf.

And I wish I love the way I look

the way he tells me I look in the morning

is like he talks about the midnight sky and the stars.

but I don't see it,

all I see is the scars caused by past words and hate.

but yet I'm okay at least that's what I say,

but I know it's not the truth.

I have gotten good at acting,

I have gotten good at picking up the sword and fighting,

but it doesn't mean I don't miss covering myself in blankets

and pretending to not exist,

it doesn't mean that I don't kiss you anymore,

it just means that when I kiss you I don't feel it anymore,

I don't feel what you tell me that you feel,

I don't feel the way your lips used to feel like waterfalls hitting rivers,

the way that your warm hands rubbing against my spine would make me shiver.

And I don't understand how you could turn to me

when I would turn to things that kill me,

like loving you and not loving myself.