Hopeless

I sat alone in bed;

I breathe the air,

I breathe the water.

I slowly submerge myself into an ocean of hopeless love and hopeless need, an acidic taste of those around me. I let the air and water swirl together; fill my lungs, I tell it. Fill the need to breathe. The water fills my soul up to the brim; bubbling with the fresh mix, moving up and down, right to left.

Up and down, right to left. Around and around, until I can't anymore.

I expel it out of my body, the peace that was inside me now a raging horror, trying to break itself out all at once. I open my mouth and try to scream; only to find my voice not working. Only to find that my soul is empty, the water evaporated. The air traveled into my bloodstream, the imbalance of ions stabilizing as I float. I let go of anything and everything, just mindlessly floating in the feeling of hopelessness and lost need and lost feelings and the only feeling left. The feeling that drives me to stop and be; the feeling that's telling me not to breathe anymore, not to be alive. The feeling that once filled my soul and lungs and brain and bloodstream but now floating in the water around me, disintegrating into nothingness, no longer on this earth. With no air, I slowly sink deeper and deeper without thinking and without being, the last trace of human lost and forever gone. The only thing left is the body that floats in this nothingness, the empty body, now weightless, as it floats farther and farther down, as the water turns darker and darker black without sunlight, until my body hits the ground. My hands spread apart, my fingers turning into stone. My face turns a dark purple as I am left and forgotten at the bottom of the water, all alone, internally screaming for air or for whatever it is that my body is seeking, but slowly can't. My blood vessels burst, the blood fills the water around me. My heart turns to stone and cracks in half, taking all of the love with it. My brain turns to a sticky liquid that pours out of my nose and mouth, my eyes closing. I can feel everything, until my chest rips open. My soul floats out, leaving my old body behind. I try to glance back, but can't. My soul floats up, and reaches the top of the water. I realize how I'm not a solid but only a wispy substance, a pearly blue color, a forgotten feeling. I emerge from the water, my soul touching the oxygen around me. I can't feel, I can't see. I can't do anything anymore, I can't even think.

And with this state of mind I can't even breathe, I'm just a thought. A thought in my own mind, which is now just a liquid in the bottom of the sea. I'm my own thought, soon to be faded away, because as soon as I'm forgotten, I'm gone.