These feelings don’t define you.
But yes, they undermine you
And everything that you’ve seemingly worked so hard for.
When it feels like you’ve come so far from where you used to be
And suddenly
You’re sitting in the shower
With running water that’s almost too hot
Just to remind you that you feel.
Or maybe you do it
Because you believe that you deserve to hurt.
And you don’t know what, or why
But you’re just certain that you’ve done something wrong and you deserve the pain.
Mama said there’d be days like this
But how many days exactly did she mean?
“Tomorrow is a new day,” they day.
But it feels like I have pages upon pages
Of hopeful exes on calendars.
Mindlessly crossing out days, into weeks, into months
Where I wonder if I am ever going to feel like my old self again.
And sometimes
I wonder if my old self is even me anymore,
Because sometimes,
I look in the mirror and I’m just not sure.
And no,
it is not a body image issue.
And no,
It is not that I’m insecure about the way that my left eyebrow
Is slightly more arches than the right.
Or the way that the corners of my mouth
Curl into a smile every once in a while.
But more along the lines of
Looking at the girl in the mirror
Is synonymous to walking past a stranger on the street
And not knowing anything about them at all.
I don’t think I’m broken,
Maybe a little cracked.
But I am optimistic and there’s nothing that duct tape can’t fix.
And like a horrible wrapping job,
I’m sticking tape on every corner, and every tear
Trying to create something at least presentable.
But then I remember,
Like presents, the wrapping doesn’t matter. Its what’s inside
And so for years
I remind myself that I am a gift to the world.
And how crazy to think
That maybe this world is a gift for me.
I firmly believe that it’s all about perspective
But I’m a fish out of water
Flip-flopping between true hope for the future
And nihilism.
I can only hope
That someday I find my balance.
And then I won’t have to wonder anymore.
Comments
There are no comments for this story
Be the first to respond and start the conversation.