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Hope

These feelings don’t define you.

By . .Published 6 years ago 1 min read
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These feelings don’t define you.

But yes, they undermine you

And everything that you’ve seemingly worked so hard for.

When it feels like you’ve come so far from where you used to be

And suddenly

You’re sitting in the shower

With running water that’s almost too hot

Just to remind you that you feel.

Or maybe you do it

Because you believe that you deserve to hurt.

And you don’t know what, or why

But you’re just certain that you’ve done something wrong and you deserve the pain.

Mama said there’d be days like this

But how many days exactly did she mean?

“Tomorrow is a new day,” they day.

But it feels like I have pages upon pages

Of hopeful exes on calendars.

Mindlessly crossing out days, into weeks, into months

Where I wonder if I am ever going to feel like my old self again.

And sometimes

I wonder if my old self is even me anymore,

Because sometimes,

I look in the mirror and I’m just not sure.

And no,

it is not a body image issue.

And no,

It is not that I’m insecure about the way that my left eyebrow

Is slightly more arches than the right.

Or the way that the corners of my mouth

Curl into a smile every once in a while.

But more along the lines of

Looking at the girl in the mirror

Is synonymous to walking past a stranger on the street

And not knowing anything about them at all.

I don’t think I’m broken,

Maybe a little cracked.

But I am optimistic and there’s nothing that duct tape can’t fix.

And like a horrible wrapping job,

I’m sticking tape on every corner, and every tear

Trying to create something at least presentable.

But then I remember,

Like presents, the wrapping doesn’t matter. Its what’s inside

And so for years

I remind myself that I am a gift to the world.

And how crazy to think

That maybe this world is a gift for me.

I firmly believe that it’s all about perspective

But I’m a fish out of water

Flip-flopping between true hope for the future

And nihilism.

I can only hope

That someday I find my balance.

And then I won’t have to wonder anymore.

sad poetry
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