Highland

cotton socks against cold tile floors

the distant sound of people mumbling to each other behind the door

the unlocked door

i could leave

no, i couldn’t

they ask me,

“how are you feeling?”

“numb,”

i answer in my head.

but i force a smile and say,

“good, thank you.”

if i act better,

they’ll let me out sooner

i need out

my brother colors pokémon for me

my sister calls me nightly

my mother visits me during the day

my dad sees me when he can

my other brother doesn’t notice i’ve been gone for four days already

the food is what they feed prisoners

how fitting

they give me my "vegan" food

meat and eggs and milk

looking at it all makes me sick

i don’t eat it

(i can’t get myself to eat it)

just the bread and fruit

they ask what i’ve eaten

i tell them

they write it down with a frown

i am a disappointment

half past midnight

sitting on the cold tile floor

trying to get into the book in my hands

i can’t focus

i can’t sleep

i need meds

i need out

i miss my friends

i don’t have friends

i pushed them all away

i miss them anyway

i told them i’d be gone

i told them where i’d be going

do they miss me?

do they even notice that i’m not there?

do they feel sympathy, empathy?

are they hoping i’ll get better?

are they pushing me away because i’m a freak?

i don’t know

my roommate was/is beaten by her boyfriend

my closest friend bonds with me over hamilton

the other girls all claims to be bi and pan

to be just like me

but i know they are all lying to look cool

no one is just like me

they don’t understand

they all have boyfriends

i’m the only one with a girlfriend

even the boys don’t

i meet a tall boy

he is suicidal and self-hating

just like me

but he is sweet and he is kind and he is thoughtful

i want to be friends with him outside of here

i don’t remember his name

christian?

i don’t know

there’s a girl here

who tried to kill herself in her school’s bathroom

one of her classmates is in here too

she bullies her

the staff don’t tolerate it

we have an intervention

and we watch a video about bullying

it’s stupid

people should know

bullying isn’t okay

i guess some people aren’t that educated

i miss my show choir

i miss my director

i miss him yelling at me for asking too many questions that he’ll answer in a second if i just wait for him to explain it

i miss the limit he gave me

two questions a day

i miss his stories and his sarcasm and his haughtisms (as we call them)

i miss dancing and singing and working

i miss the choir

they are my only friends now

they are the reason i am working to get better

the reason i am working to get out of here

i can’t wait to see them all again

i want out

i’m in here

because i asked to be

i wanted to get better

why did i think that

i’d suddenly want to get better?

because of the nurses and staff?

because of the early morning blood pressure checkings?

because of the insane supervision?

because of the ill people who are sicker than me?

because of the lack of freedom?

i don’t know

but i don’t care if i get better

i just want out