High Definition

Today is Sunday and I was hanging out with Hunter and I noticed something was a bit off about him.

I was still in a hazy state of mind so I didn’t want to think about what could be going through his head too much.

The two of us were chilling in a little covered nature spot, neither of us said much.

As the minutes turned into what seemed like hours we fell deeper into silence.

I was worried that he didn’t feel anything for me greater than friendship, I was terrified.

But I knew it would be okay so long as he’s around.

Slowly I felt more and more awkward, like something awful was going to happen.

But I forced myself not to worry about it.

Let myself live in the moment, I just had to keep reminding myself.

To distract myself from negative thought loops I pulled out my sketch book as he laid down on the ground under the canopy of leaves.

I sketched a flower and with it I wrote, “Can I kiss you? You’re my favorite.”

I didn’t show him this, nor did I ask him, I refused to impose my feelings on him as I’ve done before.

Then he sat up and started playing with twigs and leaves.

I asked what he was doing because he had his leg in the way but he told me to be patient.

So I waited.

Eventually he moved his leg and looked at me.

I stopped staring at the sky and looked back at him and asked if I should look, he responded with “When you’re ready.”

I took a deep breath and looked at what he had put on the dirt.

Hunter had formed leaves and twigs to say the words ‘I love you’.

It was the first time he’s ever said it to me.

I was speechless and couldn’t think of how to respond.

I suppose I took a second too long and he messed it up feeling like I was going to reject him.

Eventually we couldn’t handle the silence and Hunter suggested going over to Henry’s.

We went.

As we chill there with Henry, Hunter and I are messaging on Facebook.

“I don’t think I should have read that,” is what he started with; referring to the note I wrote for him the previous night.

I asked him if it was a bad thing to read and his response was,

“No, but it changes how I see you.

It’s gonna be difficult to deal with.

Let me put it this way;

it’s like waving a brownie in front of someone’s face

and saying ‘you can’t have it’.”

“Well why can’t you have it?” I asked.

“Because I don’t think it feels the same way,” he retorted.

My heart was racing and I finally understood why it was so awkward earlier.

I understand why he’d look at me and smile a little, then look away and withdraw.

He was worried that I didn’t want him.

But we all know that isn’t the case.

I explained to him that what I wrote wasn’t just feelings from being drunk.

I meant it and it came out then because of all the time I had already spent thinking about it.

From there the rest is history.

-September 7th, 2015