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Held at Will

My Time as a Correctional Officer for a Male Ad Seg Unit

Photo by Najib Kalil

All eyes on me as I walk these concrete floors,

Metal doors

Housing the rejects of society,

Piercing eyes surround me.  I do not belong here, I’m out of place,

They enjoy my awkwardness, imagine fear in my face,

Use me to fuel their desires,

Play out their twisted fantasies,

I become their past iniquities.

Girlfriends, and wives, even victims,

I replace them,

And they rape me repeatedly, strip me of my clothes, my rights, my face.

I become nameless flesh that can be molded into what they deem,

A walking dream,

“Lips and hips!” they call out,

Pleasuring themselves in windows as I make my route.

What is this about?

I am not a prisoner here, I did no crime, why must I then be subjected, to this animalistic attitude?

Their interactions now misconstrued,

because their violations amongst peers have them subdued.

Their souls cry out for me to show some pity,

Remind them of the things that conjoined them with humanity,

Help them be the man they used to be,

Standing on the diminishing edge of sanity,

Though for some that line was long ago crossed,

Now they find themselves lost,

Twisted into a new being birthed behind cement walls,

A plea of frustration sent out in catcalls.

I am a release for their fuming animosity,

So they toy with my nature through false generosities.

I have left my freedom also at the gates,

Befitting my character as policies dictate.

So-called colleagues share my uniform and secret desires for my termination,

Hoping these walls become my desolation, they cannot imagine why I am here,

I should be elsewhere,

Here I am nobody’s mother, wife, no one’s daughter or lover,

I am showed no respect, my liberties as a woman stripped, my femininity undercover.

They enjoy my awkwardness, imagine fear in my face,

Thinking that my rounded hips have brought corruption in this space.

They are forced upon my presence, but long for my demise,

If I am not with the posse, I am an intruder in their eyes.

My sexuality is used to introduce serenity in turbulent highs,

Smiling faces with ulterior motives in disguise.

The essence of my character has been defaced,

I DO NOT BELONG HERE, I AM OUT OF PLACE.

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Held at Will
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