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Have You Ever? You Will. Countless Times

An introspective look of heartbreak and emotional associations.

By Timothy GrazianoPublished 6 years ago 3 min read
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Have you ever been doing just absolutely nothing but thinking…or performing some mundane task…and suddenly some random memory of an old favorite song comes to mind?

Have you ever SEARCHED for the song on the internet, finding yourself quite unable to remember the lyrics well enough to find it, remembering only how the song made you feel and the deep feeling of connection and the inherent understanding that a part of that song is you and a part of you is that song?

Have you ever WONDERED to yourself, “I was in love with this song. Why did you not find your way onto my phone again? Why did you vanish in the first place? I missed you…”

Have you ever then BEEN PROMPTED to wonder about the countless other songs and memories that never managed to remind you of its existence; or wonder about if and when they’ll randomly pop back up… and what those memories are.

Have you ever HOLED UP in your little corner of the world; your little hideaway—to ponder the implications of this one event? That singular moment where the past rears its head again—or that’s how you would describe this occurrence—but for some reason, you’re unable to recall whether its face is soft and welcoming or hard and abrasive. Have you ever wondered what other memories you’ve long forgotten? Have you ever wondered when they will come back? IF they will come back…Or how you’d forgotten them in the first place.

You will REMEMBER, and wonder to yourself about what you aren’t remembering; a piece of the past still eluding itself from you for God only knows what reason. Perhaps that song or movie or quote from some obscure book with which you fell in love…perhaps, through a million small inconsequential coincidences carries emotional ties to events you’d willingly forget, if only for a moment.

You will THINK, perhaps forgetting these small things, one at a time, is a way to erase that which you can’t forget all at once. Perhaps subconsciously, secretly, optimistically, you think that forgetting those small things one by one will lead to every part of that memory, that trauma, that open burning wound fading away into nothingness.

You will RECONSIDER what you THINK, optimistically keeping alive the thought that maybe the big picture wasn’t bad at all. Maybe, just maybe, you can’t handle endings. Maybe you didn’t want to let go of something but life had other ideas. Maybe it wasn’t the big picture itself but the ending that broke your heart.

And after you reconsider,

You will PIECE TOGETHER the memory slowly but surely, the puzzle finding completion in your retrospective jaunt. You will remember the reason you forgot and part of the entire mental process and remember the last time you heard that song or saw that movie or read or spoke that quote. And with it, a flood of memories come back. The flood of emotions. You will feel.

Countless times during nights of insomnia walking a boardwalk after the end of something wonderful, listening to that song and wishing that you were so lucky as the character in the song to not feel a thing, secretly and foolishly albeit understandably aspiring to truly accomplish it. You will fail.

Countless times watching the same movie over and over again, the same lines and the same events hitting you each and every time with memories of what they meant to you before and what they mean to you after. You will cry.

Countless times reading the words on your favorite page of your favorite book, realizing that who you were when you first read this book and who you are now are so different. Remarkably different. But maybe you’re better off because you were fine. Until you remembered.

heartbreak
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About the Creator

Timothy Graziano

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