Happiness and Depression Are Lovers Fighting for Custody Over Me…

I’m being eaten alive by depression. It comes in waves of small monsters hiding under my bed rising up to be 10 feet tall. My monsters comfort me, they bring me peace and remind me of an old best friend. My breathing feels heavy, like there are mountains in my lungs, but the mountains are so beautiful. I have Dreams, big Dreams, Dreams that are so big that they tower over my 10 feet tall monsters, yet they cower in fear of Desolation and Pain.

See, Desolation is my best friend. I spent years of my life holding onto his hand. He was someone I could always count on to be there. He was magnificent because even with his lover, Pain, who he brought everywhere we went, he also brought Courage who taught me to do better, to dream bigger and push for me to keep going who gave me a peak of the Life I wished I could have.

There is a war in my soul of Happiness and Depression and if you can’t tell, they are lovers fighting back and forth arguing on who has custody over me this week. Happiness is the unreliable, deadbeat dad who is never there for me when I need him oh so badly, but always says kind words when he is around and Depression? Depression guides me in my life, she introduces me to her friends as her best creation. See, Depression is impressed with how well I hide her, she coaxes me into believing that I’m hanging out with Happiness when it’s really just her in disguise.

I’m 20 now, turning 21 later this year and I’m doing great things in my life. I’ve gotten rid of all the toxic influences in my life, I’m pursuing my dreams, I’m flooding myself with love, big love, great love, I’m doing great things in my life, but… Sadness whispers in my ear, she tells me all the pretty lies that I just don’t want to hear. She tells me, “you are magnificent, but not enough.” Sadness whispers again and says, “you are acting like you are more than what you are worth, and you are worth nothing my dear.”

Sometimes I just want to kick Sadness’ ass. She has a real flair for the dramatic and it upsets me greatly, but I can not bear the thought of hurting her feelings and making things worse so I go along for her tales of deception. Sadness is Life’s unmanageable child that no one wants to babysit, but always seems to get stuck babysitting anyways.

Life is intoxicating. It’s overbearing. It’s insufferable. Life is like a helicopter mom watching your every move making sure that you’re doing things right, but not too right and making sure that you’re happy, but not too happy.

How do you explain to all of your friends and family that even though Life is amazing right now you still don’t feel happy... How do you explain to your friends and family that even though it happened years ago, you still can’t forget... How do you explain to them then even though you’re smiling and moving forward in life, you’re still best friends with Desolation, Pain, Sadness, and Depression…

Desolation, Pain, Sadness, and Depression? They are intoxicating. They are overbearing. They are insufferable. They are like four helicopter moms watching your every move making sure that you’re doing things right, but not too right and making sure that you’re happy, but not too happy.

I don’t know who I’d be without them though, they’ve intruded in on Life for so long that I am scared to get rid of them. They are the essence of who I am and how I got to where I am in Life. How do you get rid of something that ended up making you who you are today? How do you breathe without the landscape of mountains in your lungs? Would I forget how?

I want to emancipate myself from Happiness and Depression’s custody hearing. I’ve decided that I do not want either of them parenting my life anymore. I don’t want to hear the arguments anymore of who gets me this week and who gets me the next. I want to bulldoze the mountains out of my lungs and relearn how to breathe. I want a new set of parents called Love and Compassion.

Love and Compassion have always been more like what I wish my parents would be instead of temporary Happiness and lingering Depression. I want Passion as a new best friend. I want to be in a relationship with Wisdom. I want to sit with the popular kids at lunch like Courage, Adventurous, Generosity, and Exuberance. I want to be so overflowing with euphoria and excitement for Life that I can’t even remember Depression’s name.

But… How? Someone please tell me how...