Half-Minded

Pushed into such a deep corner that I feel lost. Back to the wall, I'll break it down, no matter the cost. Time will pass slowly here without the walls to protect me. But I wouldn't take it back, I wouldn't change a thing about me.

Tearing down my safety systems, I'm going rogue in my own life. When the shit hits the fan, and I struggle with this strife, I blame myself and set the punishments to be fulfilled with the knife. The kiss of the blade reminds me that I am alive, the pain such a sweet reminder of everything I try to hide.

Judge me for the hard times, the shitty little lines, the moments when memories are hard to find. Judge me for every second I couldn't be brave, every minute I wanted to cave. For the hours of pain that flood my system and shorts out my courage, making my eyes water with rain. Making the hate in my body flourish.

I remember every time I lifted my face to sky and smiled, knowing life couldn't get any better than that. My world exists in two parts; one vibrant and beautiful, the other dull gray and flat. Two parts to myself that run like back-up systems in the background controlling my every move. I don't hate myself for the way I am, I just wish I couldn't always put myself in someone else's shoes.

I hate how half-minded I can be. I wish that living this life was way more easy. The quick answer to all my doubts is simmering right below the surface, always looking for a way out. I keep a tight leash on this mind of mine, I shout the orders to keep building up the boulders to block in the thoughts that destroy me when I try to take a moment in the sun to shine.

It's in the rhyming, it's in the timing, it's in the world around me always shining. I don't blame anyone but myself for those moments when I put my shame up on a shelf, for everyone to look at and judge accordingly, because according to me, that's how you know true beauty. It's in the transparency, like looking at a book where all the lines have been written by me.

I don't want to live this way anymore. My emotions use me so much, I feel like a metaphorical whore. I need just one person who can appreciate my mind. I can help battle your demons, if you can keep a lock on mine. And then together we'll get through it, line by fucking line.