The Set consists of a chair. There is chalk writing on the walls and chalk on the .
Enter Lilly Fox, a 30-year-old new mother to a 3-month-old baby. Lilly looks tired and has been crying. She is in a quiet empty waiting room at a hospital. She is there waiting for her baby’s test results.
This is all in her head.
Lilly:
I know there is something wrong,
I can feel it,
She’s not well,
She won’t eat,
She’s all yellow,
Somebody help me please,
So many doctors,
But nothing is right,
They all don’t understand,
Needles, Needles so many needles
In her temples.
Swabs on her eyelids,
Scans under her ribs.
So many tests,
Yet they still don’t know,
My baby needs help,
They have to know,
They…they aren’t telling me,
What’s wrong with my baby?!
Doctor after Doctor,
But no diagnosis,
Please let this last doctor know this
I’ve heard so many different reasons,
Why my baby isn’t doing well,
But none of them are the truth.
None of them are the truth.
The truth is all I want,
But that’s not what I’m getting.
Here comes the doctor,
Okay here it comes,
My last try for some answers
Sinking into the chair opposite,
As the doctor sits,
Here it comes,
I’m sorry…
He says,
But we have a diagnosis.
I look at him in disbelief,
Finally, some answers,
Relief flowed through me,
If only briefly,
He says
It’s a condition
A rare one,
One that has no cure
Lucky, we found it early really.
Early!
You’ve got to be kidding me,
I’ve been through hell and you tell me lucky.
He’s given me a leaflet
And a bloody print out,
The way he’s going seems like he doesn’t know much about it.
Alpha 1 Antitrypsin Deficiency
Then he lists all the problems
That might come with this abnormality
Liver Disease,
Lung Disease
COPD.
Breathlessness
Wheezing
All because of me
The doctor explains how it works,
Using the leaflet as a guide,
He knows as much as I do
He tells me it’s genetic which means I’m the problem,
And so is my husband,
Crap we should have got tested
But okay we can do this,
We can figure it out,
But then the doctor tells me,
You need to tell your baby,
When she is older she needs to know,
Every single detail you can show
She can’t go out drinking with friends,
For it could damage her liver,
Her immune system is slow
So, watch out for that fever.
Now I know this,
He lets me go,
Then I just wander…
Wander…
The streets…
The streets are in slow motion
As it hits me,
These places are not safe for my baby
Smokers, exhausts pipes, fucking vapes
All this pollution,
Nowhere is safe.
Nowhere is safe.
Now
Standing in the middle of the street
My mind spinning
People shoving past me
Smoke blown in my face
I feel like I’m about to break
My baby
My poor little girl
3 months old
She has no clue
about the world she was born into
The world her mum and dad gave to her
And the pollution making it shorter
every breath she takes
My poor baby
Walking to the bus stop
My phone rings
It’s my husband
Hey
We have the answers
Our baby will be okay
I promise…
It’s all my fault
We did this to her
I did this to her
I know we didn’t know but still
We should had looked it up
It’s been such a long journey
But now we are here
What are we supposed to do now?
Our baby is sick
And there’s nothing we can do
Keep her away from smoke
Keep her away from alcohol
Keep her away from the fucking air
How?
What?
Where?
Moving away?
What?
We can’t afford it
Puts phone away
This place
These people
They all don’t understand
Look at them
All staring at me
They have no idea
No fucking idea
What I have just put my baby through
To find out the answers they gave me
Won’t even help me
I’m so scared
I can’t do anything
To help her
When she’s older
I hope she understands
We could only do what we can
How do I even tell her?
How should I phrase it?
How do I make it better?
It’s all my fault
I did this to her
My stupid genes
My husband’s stupid genes
All did this to her
My poor baby girl
I’m sorry
All those tests
All those needles
All those scans
All those tiny scars they have left on your pretty little hands
Oh, baby I’m so sorry
But you will be okay,
I will make sure of it
I will not let it get you
People are looking at me weirdly
Guilty
Guilty
Guilty
This word keeps playing in my head
It’s like the people around me are thinking it
Guilty
Guilty
Okay thank god, the bus is here
Guilty
Guilty
What if,
I start thinking about what if
What if I don’t get to see my baby
Thrive
Beating this condition with both feet
Both arms and
One heart
I know how it works,
I am ill to
Guilty!
No, I can’t think about that too
My baby is more important
Than me
She comes first
Screeching to a halt
I swing forward as the bus stops
Blue and yellow lights bolt forward
What if…
What if I see those lights outside
What if they are for my baby
No, no stop
I don’t want to think about it
But what if
No
Guilty!
At my stop
I get off
My phone buzzing
A text
Crap the mother in law
What does she have to say now
Reading the text out loud mimicking her mother in law
Lillian
Crap she used my full name
I have just been informed by my lovely son that my precious grandchild is sick.
This isn’t going to end,
Well for me is it,
WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?
What the fuck?
What do you mean what did I do?
If anything, technically it was you!
Lillian, this is all your fault. It was your family’s genes that made my poor little one sick.
My fault?
I know this is my fault
You don’t have to point it out!
And her little one? What did my husband tell her?
My boy has told me about this Alpha 1 anti-whatever and you did this! You did this to my grandchild!
Oh, if only you knew how genetics worked
Though you would still blame me,
Oh, I married into this family.
Lillian, you better bring my grandchild around once she is out of hospital. Goodbye.
Jeeez
My baby is still there,
Still in that life/death house.
I feel so numb,
She was probably right,
It is all my fault
Guilty
Guilty
Guilty
I wish I could see her
I wish I could take her home
I will soon I hope
This is so overwhelming
I don’t know if I can keep going
Guilty
No
Stay strong for your baby
Though I am crashing
The love for my baby is everlasting
That’s what has to pull me through
Even if I don’t know what to do
But what happens later
What happens in the future
Will she get better?
Their might be a cure
I hope so
If not in my years
Then hers
I hope I get to see her have children of her own
It’s weird to imagine
What will she be like when she’s older?
Oh. Gosh I’m so tired
keys to the door
Then dropping to the sofa
Drops to the chair
Slowly takes of jumper getting up off the chair.
Puts jumper on the back of the chair, moving the arms onto the seat.
Crouching in a comforting way.
Mum,
It’s going to be okay,
I don’t blame you,
It’s not your fault
I’m okay
About the Creator
Megan Kendall
I am, a Watercolour enthusiast, Avid reader, Aspiring author/playwright, Current 2nd year undergrad studying applied drama and Cornish.
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