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I breathe in and then out slowly
And then faster
Until my mind can't keep up with the pace of my lungs
At least I think they burn
They must with the friction of which oxygen is causing
Rubbing in and out back and forth like wood being pressed to bark to create a fire
A fire like the fire in my lungs
My face is warm
And now as I notice the warmth
I notice the accompaniment of wet hot tears
Tears that form tracks through my thick make up
Make up I use to cover the blackened dark undersides of my eyes
That of which were caused by nights I could not rest
Surely I slept
But not even in sleep can a person escape their demons
In fact I think that's when it's worst
Now I return squeezing my unbrushed hair in my fingers
Pulling till I feel my scalp lift up slightly
Shaking violently all over
Snot running alongside my tears down my face
I hug my hairy unshaven legs to my chest
Praying my heart will slow when it feels something pressing me close
Whispering to myself hateful truths that I refuse to fully accept in my heart
Truths about loneliness and self worth
Tell me again how well you know me
Tell me again about how much you hate the extra skin on your waist
While I sag deeply above where I was cut almost in half to pull three children from my body
Three children whom I feel deserve more than who I am and what I give
Tell me please how you knew that girl from that town from back when who died and was on the news two days ago
While my mind replays the death of my unborn child and her limp body smaller than my palm being thrown to the side like garbage
Tell me again how your parents don't give you what you won't
While I search my memories for parents I did not have
I wash my face in the sink and walk back out of the bathroom
Back to another group session