Group Session

I breathe in and then out slowly

And then faster

And faster

Until my mind can't keep up with the pace of my lungs

They burn

At least I think they burn

They must with the friction of which oxygen is causing

Rubbing in and out back and forth like wood being pressed to bark to create a fire

A fire like the fire in my lungs

My face is warm

And now as I notice the warmth

I notice the accompaniment of wet hot tears

Tears that form tracks through my thick make up

Make up I use to cover the blackened dark undersides of my eyes

That of which were caused by nights I could not rest

Surely I slept

But not even in sleep can a person escape their demons

In fact I think that's when it's worst

Now I return squeezing my unbrushed hair in my fingers

Pulling till I feel my scalp lift up slightly

Shaking violently all over

Lips trembling

Snot running alongside my tears down my face

I hug my hairy unshaven legs to my chest

Praying my heart will slow when it feels something pressing me close

Whispering to myself hateful truths that I refuse to fully accept in my heart

Truths about loneliness and self worth

Tell me again how well you know me

Tell me again about how much you hate the extra skin on your waist

While I sag deeply above where I was cut almost in half to pull three children from my body

Three children whom I feel deserve more than who I am and what I give

Tell me please how you knew that girl from that town from back when who died and was on the news two days ago

While my mind replays the death of my unborn child and her limp body smaller than my palm being thrown to the side like garbage

Tell me again how your parents don't give you what you won't

While I search my memories for parents I did not have

And snap

I wash my face in the sink and walk back out of the bathroom

Back to another group session