Grey Painting

The glow in the dark stars on the ceiling spin like planets around the sun ,

An overwhelming sense of desperation has begun ,

the room grows smaller and smaller ,

as the walls inch in closer ,

I shut my eyes ,

I try to think about happy things like dogs and cats ,

but sadness slithers in like a snake and gnaws like rats ,

Emptiness hold me tight ,

Keeps its grip through the night ,

This feeling isn't right ,

I get out of bed ,

Fear filling my head ,

Wondering full of dread ,

Did I turn off the lights ,

Did I lock door ,

Doubt fill me once more ,

2 AM I get in shower ,

Try to wash away germs and worries for over an hour ,

I sit quiet ,

Anxiety is not a friend ,

But sometimes I feel there is no end ,

I pause and breathe deep ,

Sometimes I let myself softly weep ,

Let the thoughts slowly out my head creep ,

I toss and I turn till I fall asleep ,

I wake up feeling exhausted ,

I shower once more ,

Scrub until my skin is red and sore ,

Apply lotion ,

Tell my myself it's ok ,

I'll be good for a few hours anyway,

I slowly power through my day ,

Wondering if I'm doing OK ,

When I feel alright ,

I smile ,

Feel happy for a while ,

I draw smiley faces ,

Like band-aids to temporarily mend my broken places ,

I do my best impression of a painter ,

Working on a masterpiece ,

I paint myself colourful ,

Because sometimes grey is not beautiful ,

And on a lot of days I feel like a grey painting ,

Trying to get colourful ,

Feel meaningful ,

Instead of worried ,

Compulsive thoughts lingering ,

I do my best impression of someone who can hold it together ,

trying withstand my bad weather,

My brain is cell ,

I am the prisoner and the prison ,

Encased in a self-made hell,

I hold the key ,

Yet somehow I can't release me,