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Forty-One

Another candle, another year—still not sure what I'm doing.

There are never enough sprinkles!

today's my birthday
but before you celebrate
please know I'm not pandering
just simply noting the date

in general I don't like to call attention
to something that merely is
I didn't choose who to be or where
or when or why or how to exist

it's nice to get greetings from
friends and family here and there
but it's a day I'm not always sure who I am

and like my soul's a little bare

it brings up memories and feelings
I'd sometimes rather not remember
I feel it all - sad, peaceful, old, childlike
but happy I came to be in November

fall is my favorite and feels like a renewal
even as the world seems to slow for its sleep
I love the smells and chilly air and being cozy
and stomping through leaves and acorns ankle deep

it's a time of year I feel alive and raw
unsure of what the next year will bring
it's a strategy time for who to become
and when I reflect on everything

I wish I could see in my own crystal ball
where I’ll be in a year
how far I’ll have gone
and what I’ll remember of being right here

I think about what I’ve learned and what I know
and how much more I need to understand
and what the bigger meaning of it all is
and why I try to hold snowflakes in my hand

I think about the darker side of myself
and what she’s trying to tell me
I think about the ugly sides of life
and why those things have to be

I feel hurts that time hasn't erased
and regret spending energy on those undeserving

I count my losses and reap what I've sown
and always wonder whose purpose I'm serving

and then I get mad at my birthday pity party
and say things to me that would make others blush
and count my blessings, it can always be worse
and good things come to those who wait, so baby don't rush

I remember those I've moved out of my circle
are gone for a reason
and even when I'm feeling out of sorts
everything in life is just a season

I reflect on the growth and expansion last year
and how I'm certainly much happier over here
I think about how I'm still discovering so much
about who I am and what I fear

about how I love and what I want
about what my dreams are and where they live
about what's really important
and exactly how much I will continue to give

about who I want around and who I need
about what I'm becoming and what I've been
about living a life I love and have hope for
about desiring personal happiness not being a sin

don't take note of my slightly sad eyes
they do that sometimes without me even knowing
there's still lots of light in there
even if it's not showing

I promise tomorrow I go back to being me
and put this awkwardness back on the shelf
I'll wake with a sugar hangover and a little regret
but I'll feel a lot more like myself

my maudlin thoughts will move on along
and I'll get on to being tired of Christmas songs
thanks for the good wishes and balloon emojis
you really know how to make a gal feel she belongs

so thank you for listening to my birthday thoughts
and sorry for the tears on your hanky
I know this next year is going to be amazing
now how about those birthday spankies :)

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