For Brother Tom
This is a poem I wrote after losing my cousin, who was a catholic brother in the order of Mary, just last year. He had lived in Honolulu so I rarely got to see him but I loved him very dearly.
I cry tears of sadness, tears of regret, tears of joy, tears of hatred
Every moment they deepen farther than I had anticipated.
I cry tears of sadness as you leave this world
Sad to lose you, your voice, your big smile and hearty laugh
Sad to think of the pain you felt, the tears you shed, the loneliness you may have known.
I wish I could have prevented those all.
I cry tears of regret as you leave this world
I regret not preventing the pain and fear
I regret not trying harder, not talking more, not seeing you when I could have.
Why didn’t I try?
Yet could I have made a difference?
My presence couldn’t have prevented the inevitable
My words could not have stopped the pain
The only thing I could have prevented was my own regret
I cry tears of joy, I truly do
Joy that you’re in a better place, without pain or sorrow or violence.
Joy that you have reached the goal you’ve striven toward for so long
Why must that joy be overshadowed by my own self interest?
I cry tears of hatred the least but the strongest.
Hatred for myself and my selfish thoughts:
Why didn’t I call more?
Why can’t I feel happy for you?
Why must I be as I am?
Hatred for how things happened:
Why couldn’t I have gotten to know you first?
Why did I get as close as I had?
Just a general why…
Why, why, and why.
With all these tears, I question what good I’m even doing.
About the Creator
Hannah Payne
I write a bit of everything! I greatly appreciate every read and hope you enjoy 😁
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