Floating

You know the feeling

when you are under water.

Floating in both time and space.

And it feels surreal.

Like the world is on pause.

And it feels like this for about 90 seconds.

Until you run out of air.

And suddenly the world fast forwards.

Back to real time.

And reality hits again.

But what if it didn’t.

What if you stayed stuck in that pause.

But the world kept going.

With you stuck there

in time and space.

Unnoticed by all that is around you.

Thats how I feel.

I feel stuck.

Stuck in this same body

this same mind

this same disappointment.

I want more.

I want to be more.

I want to love myself but I can’t.

The one good thing

about floating in water,

is that no matter how loud they are said,

no words can reach me.

No words can hurt me.

But unfortunately Ive heard them before.

And they play over and over in my head.

Like a broken record.

Constantly reminding me

of why I began floating in the first place.

If people can see me.

See my face

my hair

my body,

in such detail,

and pick out every single flaw.

Why is it

that they

cant notice how it makes me feel.

They see me.

They look AT me.

But they don't look at ME.

They never

really

see me.

And now I will never let them.

I dont know how.

I cant even see myself anymore.

I am frozen.

Stuck floating in time and space.

In this constant loop

of trying to build myself up again.

Piece by piece.

Until someone decides

Im too close to being happy.

And they bring me back.

To where I started.