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Fling

A piece on affairs and the aftermath, the messy emotions and confused state of things.

By Ryan CooperPublished 6 years ago 7 min read
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Come here my dear, stay near to me, it's clear to me now that somehow some way we'll be together someday, no matter what they say it'll be okay because I have you by my side, making me feel alive, reminding me that I matter, as I hold you I hear the patter of little feet, your eyes your smile so sweet, I can feel your heart beat faster when I squeeze you tight against my chest our hair a mess we're barely dressed but it's all just fine we have nothing but time and we'll find our rhyme and reason, it's just the passing of the seasons as we seize one another and cling to each other, thought you would be my final lover, never wanting the touch of another but now I see that this book wore many covers, starting to feel smothered wondering if I should just quit while I'm ahead but I see I'm already sinking and now I start to thinking that this thing isn't as real as it felt when we started, now I feel pretty retarded but only because I regarded you as someone deserving of trust when truly you were just using me as an outlet for lust, I must ask you this why did you even allow us that first kiss, I'm just pissed off I guess now I'm left with your mess to clean up in my heart, my emotions my devotion it all just clogs the drain, causes pain every damn time I see a picture of you I feel like I could reach out and stroke your cheek, I could almost hear you speak if I listen hard enough but tough luck and tough love have a way of taking over and making you harden your heart, I guess I thought I was too smart to get caught up the way I did, you led me around like one of your kids, no way you could do wrong, I was just another mindless drone swaying to your siren song. Brought me into your home and then when we were alone we'd hold one another we'd mess up the covers get lost in each other until we moan and sweat scream and get wild, but careful not to wake a child, that would end the fun before we were done and so we'd kiss or bite our lips or bite tender flesh, nails dug in the way your harpy claws were twisting their way to my core, sure I've felt passion before but never the way you made it burn up inside, with a smile I came alive, hell I even thrived under the light of your radiance, but it was really just make-believe, too much haze for me to perceive that your goal all along was to deceive, in the end I'm just relieved that I can finally release myself from your hold, wouldn't mind another poke at your hole but that would only make the hole in my soul grow deeper, make me feel that much cheaper, I feel cheap enough already after the things we did, I'd be kidding myself to say that I'm not rotten, not soon forgotten how horrible I am for laying with the wife of another man, and now my eyes start to sting with tears and my heart is filled with fears as I think of how I'd pretend you weren't wearing a ring, I'd sing a little song to myself and maybe I need some help but who can I turn to, who can I tell? they'll just blame me, tell me I'm the bastard, that I should have caught on faster, or avoided this disaster and keeping you at bay, if they were in my shoes then I wonder what they'd do, would they be so cool and collected while they're getting molested? can they really say that they'd stop you if your hands trailed down their body, if things started getting naughty, no chance of getting caught we had all the time in the world just a boy alone with a girl, but we weren't kids we're adults and that means that fairy tales aren't real, I know how I feel but I know that you don't, I know that you won't ever understand what you did to me, now I'm stuck with your memory, I wish like fuck I hadn't touched you, hadn't rubbed you, hadn't fucked you, maybe then this wouldn't be so damn hard, but it's time to punch my card and clock out, turn around and just walk out, I have nothing left to say, my own choices ensured I'd end up this way, but I'm standing tall, standing here today and I'll look you in the eyes and I'll still apologize for getting involved with your happy home, I hope you can stomach always being alone, cuz no matter how well he makes you moan he'll never be able to make you feel, not the way I can, but you've made me a better man now cuz I can put my hands down on the table, push away my chair, stare you in the eyes, ignore it while you cry, and walk the fuck away, hands up, time for me to man up, I knew that it was wrong I knew what I was doing but I just didn't care, so now my heart is laid bare, and I hope you all take a long time to stare at me and recognize the signs of a man who has been broken one time too many, would we take another chance if life gave us any? who can truly say? by now, I want to say the bridge is burned, but yet I yearn for you, I learned you so fast, and now it's past and I want it back, but I can't have it, well why not damn it? it isn't fair, wait neither is life, but in the end I can't change that you're someone else's wife, and so I have to do what's right and walk the fuck away, let myself get led astray and find somewhere else to play. I hope you're happy with the life you've chosen, I know inside you're slowly frozen, who knows when you'll open up again, may life bring you a friend, someone like me, but who knows how to follow blindly, then you can lead him around by the dick and he can just sit and do as he's told, sorry that's not the mold I was cast in, it's time to gather up your chips and go cash in, I honestly hope you were my last sin. I can't decide if I love you or hate you, or maybe it's a little of both, and some of neither, but either way it doesn't change that I've seen the last of you, unless I look online, and I do that from time to time, I click ahead on the pictures but my mind begins to rewind, and it's like I'm living it all over, we never really even got closure, but too late for that now, too late to look back, and so I start looking for a different track to follow, perhaps another path will allow me time to think, all things heal with time so the sting of this fling should fade pretty soon and then I'll be just fine. In the meantime, it pains me to say it but it must be said, you're still in my head you're still in my heart and no that doesn't make me very smart but you're a part of me now, you'll always be around inside me somewhere, like a cancer that they can't cure, the whole thing was so impure and unclean and I don't mean to be mean but what we did was awful, no way to atone, I walked right in and we broke your happy home. Something has me bothered, and I think it makes me a monster, but I find myself sitting here alone wishing that you'd change your mind and come back to me, cast him off and let him sail into the sunset, my hellish wishes always unmet, and yet some part of me would just put my arms around you and keep you all to myself, all the while I'd lie and pretend that it couldn't happen again, that I'd never walk in to find you fucking my friends, I guess that's what makes me the biggest fool, but it's cool with me if you want to spend the rest of your life on your knees, maybe while you're down there you can even find peace. If not, let me say it one last time. Peace.

heartbreak
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