Five

I woke up today, like every other day this month.

With a huge knot in my stomach, the size of my fist.

And I can’t help but feel weak.

Because no matter what I do, my thoughts always come back to you.

I don’t even try to fight it, anymore.

I’ve tried changing the locks.

I’ve tried keeping you out.

I’ve tried kissing other girls.

But it always leads to thinking about, how their lips don’t taste like yours.

And how it never feels the same.

I never mean to waste their time, but I always feel ashamed.

I know you don’t want me.

But no matter who I’m with, I always feel like I’m doing you wrong.

The feeling has me wanting to smash everything I own.

Everything that you have ever touched.

Isolate myself, so that I can truly be alone.

Let go of it all and run until my lungs give up.

I think I can finally stop my thinking, with more drugs and more drinking.

I hardly eat, anymore.

My bed feels like a coffin.

I’ll end up sleeping on the floor, just like we did that night you were sick.

You claimed that it would help.

Thinking of it now only makes it worse.