Fish Tank

When I felt him slowly squeezing the life out of me with his words,

I thought I could change him

But when he was squeezing the life out of me

with his hands around my throat like a wedding band I outgrew,

and I saw the hatred on his face that wasn't really meant for me,

my feet were stuck....

in his misplaced anger like quicksand

and even though I wanted to run,

I wanted to love him more.

When I pondered

if it would be easier

to get rid of the fish tank I saw my head someday going through

or get rid of him,

the answer at the time seemed obvious.

But even when the room was silent

and there was no longer the sound of running water

to soften the eggshells I always walked on,

I still couldn't convince myself I kept the wrong threat.

On the days when his past was locked tightly in the freezer

between the ice and the tequila and the vodka,

it was hard to remember the cold of that freshly mopped porcelain floor

after he ripped his shirt off me

and hatred poured from his face through his fingertips.

On those days,

when he loved me,

oh god, he couldn't have loved me more.

And even though my heart hurt

more than my back

from the wall he slung me into...

the day he raised his fists to me and said

"Bitch, I'd love nothing more than to punch you in that smug face of yours."

I knew the road I would take now would be a permanent one.

As I stood there

alone

in that room

I was not alone....

I felt the power of a thousand women's cries for help

trampling their way across my soul....

For them

I stood up

with the ferocity of the most powerful lioness protecting her cub....

and I knew what would be would be

with or without my tears and pleas.

So I stood tall,

looked at that familiar face that I had tried to love

and I said, “do what you must to feel like a man”

and I pulled out my claws,

ready to pounce as tears rolled down his cheeks

with shame

and knowledge

that no words would ever be enough to complete that apology.

As he backed away

looking at me like a stranger

who didn't recognize me or himself,

I slipped out into my new life.....

complete with an extra large fish tank…