Finding Light in My Darkest Hour (Poem)

I wrote a letter

as my tears started falling

I began writing

"To my parents whom I’ve looked up upon,

and to my relatives whom expected more from who I am

sometimes I have these delusions

where I find myself standing on the edge

ending all of these with just one more step

would you even notice my absence?

or will it just be another addition to statistics of

“number of teenagers that gave into depression on the year of 2018”

I just lost myself, I guess

I feel like drowning from all these expectations

I can’t handle this, I am so fed up

you just didn’t see

how much I tried

how much I’ve changed

how much I’ve been living up to satisfy your wishes

I mean, what can I expect?

I used to be a troubled child,

I used to be that student that skips class,

I used to be this and that

the kind of kid that no one would want

you’ve been blinded by how I used to be

that you didn’t notice the change in me

you’ve discouraged me so much

to the point where I’ve lost my own dignity

I’ve had enough

what difference will it make wether I’m around or not

you’ll only take notice when I’ve done something wrong

but when I do something right?

you won’t even give the slightest attention

so what’s the point?

what’s the point of living up

if all you do is put me down

all I had was my dignity

but you had the courage

to strip me off of my humanity

so just one more step

one more step is all it takes

one more step and you have one less child to worry about

one more step and all your headaches will lessen

just one more step and your wish of me gone, will eventually come true.

To my siblings and my friends?

do I even have friends?

do I still even know my own brothers?

I guess I don’t

We’ve lived and grown apart

For so many years

I was so young when I last saw you guys

Are you guys doing well?

Well, I’m not

I just want to leave

but not this house

not even this country

I’m sorry

I’m so sorry

for giving up

for not having the strength to continue

I’m sorry to disappoint you

I love you guys.

Goodbye.”

I took the blade

closed my eyes

then slashed my arms

loosing blood

and loosing my breath

These were the last things on my mind,

until,

a hand reached out to me,

I heard a voice saying

“Hold my hand”

“You can get through this”

I lift my head

And this bright light just.. flashes at me

I thought I was dead

But I guess I wasn’t

I fully opened my eyes and I saw..

I saw my mother

I saw my brothers and my sister

And across the room

I see the cross

as if it was emphasized

I saw Jesus looking down at me

with open arms

He reached out to me

He held me up

when everybody else brought me down

He held on

even if I had already let go

He was there

I guess he always is

And I’m thankful

I’m thankful that he brought me back up again

and I’m thankful that there was light during my darkest hours.