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open heart/open mind/this is us
fate. 2019. (a resolution and a manifesto)
i learned that love comes from a casket/from circumstances not all of which are holy/from another’s eyes wordlessly/searching your features while he thinks you’re not paying him any attention
i learned that the heart grows from wonder/that fearlessness isn’t always divine/and doesn’t always feel good/that whispering what you want/only brings back an empty net/that good intentions shouldn’t always be disciplinary/that red is the color you learn the most from/green is underrated/blue is just that/a color
i tore myself apart in the evening/sometimes in the morning too/ i sang songs in the daylight/they made me feel less alone/yet more inclined to lock my doors/i let him make me feel guilty/i hated being human/i loved being human/ i pulled out my guts/i made a balloon animal/stuck it back inside/cried when i heard applause
i had visions/fantasies where i could lay on his chest/it would be okay/because in my mind love was enough/i thought about the ocean/how similar we are/vowed to see it again someday/i write this in the midst of a tantrum/ a quiet one only i can hear/i had visions/they brought me here/to you
i wish you a happy new year/i wish for our flowers to finally bloom/and stay that way/i won’t come out of this year/shiny or clean/i don’t expect redemption/instead i had sought to earn it/january is what it always was/i just needed to be a little older/a little wiser/a little heartbroken/to understand what that meant/it’s the scariest but most beautiful thing i have ever seen