Enough

I reminisce the days when my feet were above the sand and I was sitting on the swings. I sit there now, feet deep in the ground, drowning the thoughts of my childhood. Dug into the memories of the monkey bars, hanging on to the happy thoughts. The school bell rings, I didn't get a turn on the swings. Run back, sit down, and at the mere age of ten I thought about being good enough. I go home, thrilled to see my little sister and kick with her for a while. Baba didn't come home till late, slept without him most days. I caught a glimpse of him in the morning when I'd wake from nightmares of losing my mother. This was my life on repeat for years. Until I met my first lover and my first abuser. I couldn't differentiate between my dreams and reality. I still can't. I don't know what happened and what didn't.

Did he touch me? Did he look at me? Did I let him? Did he make me?

As I child I could't understand, as a teenager I still can't understand, how at such a simple time in my life the volume of mind was made up of glorifying an abuser. Confusing love with pain. Pleasure with selfishness. Desire with want. I'm still trying to comprehend what may or may not have happened. I don't know if it is all in my head, If I have created a whole world up there, or if I've learned to suppress my feelings and pain for so long it all felt like a delusion. Am I delusional?

What happened to me? Where did this begin? Who is doing this to me?

I sit there on the swings. I finally get my turn but instead of swinging, I sit. Piecing together the moments of my life with my feet deep in the sand. Hoping the smell of metal and fresh air will bring back a clear image of the past. I live there. Yet I can't quite figure out a setting. The characters are introduced, the climax is written out, the plot though is shaky. Trying to write the autobiography of my life but it seems to be fiction. What happened?

Was it all in my head?

I wish I was never the one to end up in your bed. But there I laid on top of you unwillingly tasting your lips. It was repulsive, this idea of you and me. Screaming through my whispers, a no is never a yes. Don't twist my words. You were the one I wanted for so long so I came back and back again only to realize that this was fueled by the pure intention of showing you I was enough.

You were the boy that made me feel worthless.

I've downplayed everything you've said to me. Everything you've done to me. But now it makes sense to me; you have made me feel less than human.