Empty Bottle

I feel good.

The music helps me get loose.

I sit down in the corner of the room with the cold icy touch of a bottle in my left hand.

My grip on it tight, as if it were my lifeline.

I feel safe with it.

In my right hand, is a small cup.

Big enough however to put the needed amount of self-prescribed medication.

I fill it up and down it almost as soon as it was able to settle and take its shape.

It burns my throat and heats my chest and I can feel the warmth spread throughout my body.

I smile.

I look around, and they are everywhere.

I fill another and down it, feeling that reassuring burning sensation that lets me know it’s working its magic.

I’m happy.

I’m happy that I’m not someone else.

I’d say I’m happy to be me, but who am I really?

Still trying to figure that out.

I fill it up and down another.

Things are different now, it didn’t burn that time.

Maybe it’s not as effective as I thought, or maybe, it’s starting to like me as much as I like it.

I believe the biggest struggle of being a novice to the realities of the world, is that you can’t help but be blissfully ignorant until you get a wakeup call.

You see…being a teen is supposed to be easy.

You’re taken care of, you’re provided for and you’re told what you’re supposed to do.

Life is a straight path in broad terms.

You know what you’re supposed to want and the best way to go about getting it.

However, you lack the attributes to accomplish this.

Or so it seems because you think you’re not smart enough,

Not good looking enough,

Not socially inclined enough.

Just not good enough.

You leave that straight line and start carving a crooked path off to the side.

Your goals change, your perspectives change, your values, beliefs.

Everything changes.

Take another shot.

Now things are getting good.

Now my mind is getting numb.

Now I get loose.

Now I start to forget about how cruel this world can be while still showing me how beautiful it is.

This world takes a good, quality, amazing friend and gives them to another person so you can envy what they have, and what you thought you had.

This world shoves suffering, poverty, and disease down your throat but lets you wash it down with human generosity and kindness and love.

This world, makes you fall in love with someone and then makes that person fall in love with someone you can’t stand while the person you ignore is actually in love with you.

It’s funny really, how much we fight to live but secretly wish to die sometimes.

How hypocritical of us to believe we know so much when we know nothing, considering everything we know is controlled by someone else who is also blind to what is really going on.

The blind lead the blind.

Fill another, and drink it down.

Ah.

Who cares…

Fill four more and drink them down.

Share it with my *friends*

No need to be selfish.

In this life, you work to succeed, and you do that to have a comfortable life.

If I ever have enough courage to show this to people and they actually take the time to read this.

I just want to say.

That I hope you know if you think every day about life and everything.

You’re not alone.

This was merely a rant and a real experience.

Hope that when I’m older, and I know a lot more about this life,

I’ll be able to pass it down to the next generation.

I try to fill up the cup

But the bottles empty.