Drowning

I'm not suicidal,

I don't want to fucking die,

I just want to be able to wake up and feel alright,

Right now I feel like I'm drowning,

I can't lift my head above the water,

My thoughts are hitting me from both sides,

I can't put up a fight,

I'm exhausted,

Sick of feeling like a hostage,

To my own mind,

I feel as if I'm not really real,

I'm in my body,

But I'm a stranger to my own mind,

It's the strangest feeling,

I know I'm here,

But I feel like I have no control,

I can't stop shaking,

My stomach growls,

But my appetite is lacking,

As I'm writing this,

I don't feel like my hands are mine,

They feel foreign,

As if they're completely detached from my command,

All I want is to sleep,

Without nightmares,

But I know that won't happen,

How do I continue on?

My life feels like it's in shambles,

Even though everyone tells me it's all in my head,

Well, yes, don't you think I know that?!

But I can't escape,

I'm trapped here,

With these memories and demons,

Choking me as I gasp for air,

I can feel my devil,

Pulling me by my hair,

Now I'm too tired to fight him,

Lost in this mine,

I'm sitting on the floor,

Hugging the dynamite,

Waiting for the fire,

To eat my demons alive,

I lay down at night,

Crying myself to sleep,

It's become too hard,

Too much work to smile at you on the street,

My tears, fears, demons,

Past, present, any future,

They all swirl in my mind,

Every goddamn day and night,

I can't breathe,

But I know the only one to save me,

Is myself,

No one can take this away,

I'm just trying to survive day to day,

How do I continue on,

When my feelings are letting me drown?

I'm too tired,

Of fighting,

No, I don't want to fucking die,

But everyday feels like a losing battle,

And I can't stand tall anymore,

I may have been a soldier,

But now, I'm just the bullet,

Unleashing untold destruction..