Don’t Let Me Run

Before you I didn’t think I was capable of love

I thought something in me shut off when my dad died

That was more than my emotions

I’d try and try to fall for guys but even when I was with the man of most girls dreams

I couldn’t feel anything

So when we hung out I lead things in to sex

Because lust was all I could feel

And it became all I strived for, that and the next

After ending things with him because I didn’t want to waste his time

He found the girl of his dreams that he’s still with today

I happy cried

Happy because he was happy

Cried because I didn’t know if I’d ever have that for myself

So I let myself shut down

Not expect,

Always end up in bed

I had a phase for a few years of luring men in to my arms

And never letting things go further so neither of us would get harmed

Then I realized my sexuality

I tried girls,

liked them more

Had a little hope I would find the one once I explored

Nope

I was wrong

I would just fall in hard lust for girls,

Until

I met you

With you I instantly felt comfortable

I remember the night we met as if it were right happening now in my view

I won’t go in to details but it ended as good as it began, because it never really did

From that day on we saw each

Every

Single

Day

Except maybe one where I got to feel how it felt to miss you

I never wanted to feel that feeling again

So I asked you to marry me because you made me feel something new,

Alive

Loved

Special

Safe

But missing you and all of those feelings...

It’s funny..

how you can go from numb and wanting to feel to wanting to feel numb again

Well that’s when shit got real,

I felt that again when I started missing you while you were right next to me

I didn’t know who you were anymore

Didn’t know why I felt so comfortable with a complete stranger

Felt like I was struggling for air, hard to breathe

I thought

“Maybe she’ll come around today”

You never did

We stopped having sex

You became more hostile

My downs were getting lower

I was annoying you

You were hurting me deeper every day

Thought I’d end up in the mental hospital

Every time we went to sleep not holding each other

Every time you let me cry silently without a care

Every time you’d stay silent when I tried to care

It was killing me

And it was killing you too

I didn’t know feelings would lead to this truth

I asked you to get help for your anger

I said I’d get help for my sadness

I never did

You never did

Not sure how we expected love to fix everything and our standards

That’s not how it works

Effort is the key to love

Both sides

And when one goes down

The other helps pick them up

As a team

Which we weren’t anymore

We lost the game

We lost it before we could even score

Feelings dreaded my entire being

My meds were not in reach at the time

Withdrawals gave me a cold sweat but I swear the chill was from your ghost lingering in my brain

Every single thought was about you

Except it wasn’t

You

There were things I loved deeply about you;

Our connection of our deceased fathers

Your ambition I couldn’t seem to find in myself

Your smile

The way our existences effortlessly co-existed

But it was and is the way you made me feel

In the beginning that I miss

You made me feel at home

Not alone, worth something

You even surprised me by picking out a tattoo for me that said

“You are so much more”

More than whatever I thought I was

Worthless

Worthless

Worth less than I thought

Because you let me leave you

But I realize now it’s not because you didn’t believe it

It’s because I never could if I was focused on you

I’d never see it

Thank you for that

Thank you for always showing me my worth even when I couldn’t understand it

A year of missing our feeling has gone by

I’m still a mess but

I have grown to love myself

I got help for myself

I have some control of myself

But im still searching for that feeling

I crave it like chocolate after a good meal

Not necessary

A decadence

But one that doesn’t go away until I have it

But for reference

I’m still searching

I’ve had crushes

Speculations that I could fall again

They’re always one sided

I play the game alone

So I try again

And again

And again

Until I’m drained completely

Wondering why I can’t feel the same feelings and why the wrong people do for me and the right ones make my heart bleed

I’m back to square one

More feelings

More empathy

More love for myself

A recipe for a love success

But no one I want, wants to win

So the chill comes back and your ghost appears again

What else did I do wrong that I can change

I don’t want to feel numb

I want to feel the same

Everyone says your next love will be different

In a good way

But how am I supposed to listen

If what I crave never stays

I’ll never give up

Maybe have periods of bad intentions

Forgiveness

I’ll make up for it

Never leave anyone with any questions

Except myself

And why I can’t stop being pretentious

It’s because of the feelings I mentioned

If I lose my next love..

If I ever find them..

Will it happen again

Will I be left with only what the meds allow me to feel?

Only what the world brings me to heal?

Heart break is scary

Not in the way that you lost that person

But in the way that you don’t know if you’ll have it again

My friends and family almost always have someone by their sides

Do they not grieve the loss of their old ride or die?

Or do they bury it in to the next ones life?

I don’t think I’ll ever be over the feelings I had with you

Not until I feel something better that’s improved

If that’s possible I’m wondering why I have to sit in my blues

Is my lover not ready yet?

Am I still being transfused?

Out of one mind set

To something brand new?

The what if’s & The what was’

Haunt me everyday

And the feelings are the cause

I want to find someone that calms that crazy

Someone that makes me forget you ever saved me

If love is that powerful

Why is it so rare

Or should I say

Why is it so rare for me?

Why does no one I want care for me

Why is everyone there for me but not THERE for me

Why can’t I find someone who takes the dare for me

I dare you to fall in love with me

I dare me to let myself feel for you

It may be the best thing we ever do

I found I’m capable of love let’s see if I’m capable of the right kind

Baby I’m waiting for your right mind

And if we meet when it’s not quite there

Know I won’t leave you, I’ll be here

This time I’ll be here

This time I’ll stay

Please stay

Don’t let me run away