Does He Know?

Does he know?

Does he know he stops my heart every time he smiles, and not in a good way?

Does he know that I hate myself for loving him and that's why when he goes to take my hand, I pull away. I pull away. I pull away when he kisses me, never let it go further than a fumble because I can't let him when all I do is lie to him.

I lie to him when I close my eyes when I kiss, I do that so it's not his face I see.

I lie to him when he asks if I'm okay, because how can I be okay when I'm hurting, both him and me.

I lie to him when he asks if I want to see him, I don't want to see him, all that does is remind me of my own betrayal, my selfishness, how much he will hate me when I eventually tell him the truth and that is why

I don't lie to him when I tell him I love him. Because I don't love him like that, but I love him too much as a friend to risk losing him over something so petty as my own happiness.

Does he know?

Does he know I am in love with a girl whose hair is so dark it scares me and whose skin is so pale it contrast like the moon in the sky?

A girl who makes me understand all of the songs, who makes me realise why he always felt so wrong.

A girl who makes me reel off cliche after cliche because they got it right, when they wrote them about her.

A girl so perfect I am literally lost for words around her and I stumble over them like a fool, tripping and falling while she soars gracefully like a dove, so comfortable in her own skin, I don't know where I fit in.

Does he know she will never love me back because I can't admit to my own parents that a solid half of their kids aren't straight, because I heard.

I heard all of the chats my loving parents had about my sister, how it was okay but they wished it different.

Does he know I kissed her? Well, she kissed me.

Does he know I don't want to hurt him?

Does he know?

I hope so.