Depression Feels

Alarm goes off. 7 a.m. Time to get moving. To start this day. But all I want to do is stay.

Mind starts going, flowing. Every wrong thing said or done. Nothing is right but I have to try, but, why?

Bed is calling. Warm and safe. My secure place. Blankets wrapped tight, like ropes binding, holding me together. Scared to move, to stand, to fall apart. Too many pieces to lose, to try and find and put back together.

Life is calling. Tears are falling. No one knows. No one cares. How do I explain being empty to someone who is full of life?

Emptiness in my heart. Empty is my soul. I cannot care because to care is to feel and feeling lets the bad in. Don't dream. Don't think. Don't feel. Can't hurt. Shut down everything. Shut out everyone. I've failed this life, this curse.

Keep the lights off. Darkness is safe. I can hide here, stay here. Soft pillows, quiet place. Sleep away the day. Turn off my thoughts. Live in my dreams. Life is hard, dreaming is easy.

But life is calling. Must get up, live this day. Ignorant people running their mouths, spewing their vile thoughts. Throwing their insignificant opinions out like a net being cast to snag all the unsuspecting weak minded followers. They are right, I am wrong, strange, different. Why is that bad?

You don't understand. You don't even try. I'm not like everyone else so I must be a loser. Judgement. Bigotry. Shallow minds and closed hearts. What would others think?

Life is calling. Get through this day. It will eventually be okay. Won't it? Force a smile if only to get things done and return back home. Head down eyes averted. If I pretend not to exist maybe they won't see.

Day is done. Night has come. Darkness falls and I am alone. Thoughts come creeping, marching, pounding their way into my brain.

I'm not that smart. My body is wrong. Too much here, not enuff there. Why do I hurt? Why do I care?

Tears falling like the rain falling outside. Lightning flashes illuminating the sky, my mind. A clear thought flashes then is lost in the darkness. The storm rages on. Logic tried to slip in but becomes engulfed in the heavy blackness that surrounds me. Dragging me down. Pounding into me all the wrong.

Sleep please come. Save me. Erase me from this tormented life. How do others deal with this life? Do they feel? Do they see? The real me.

I hide from everyone. If they knew would they look at me the same? Feel the same? Last thoughts every night. How can I win? I should just give in. But that's not right, I must continue to fight. Someday. Maybe. I will be seen. One day the pain will end. Tell myself this, put it on replay. Maybe. One day.