Dear Mama

Dear mama,

I love you and I miss you very much.

I know that since you died we really haven't been in touch and I'm sorry.

I should have been there for your last breath.

Though I was terrified of what might just happen next.

That's no excuse though and the pain I feel is well deserved.

It will haunt me till the day that I'm no longer on this earth.

I feel I'm worthless.

I know you must be disappointed.

I'm not quite in the direction that you'd have had me pointing.

My life's a mess and no longer do I feel like my old self.

Between the stress and the depression sometimes it feels like I'm in hell. And to be honest, lately, I've been feeling suicidal.

But I know if you were here you would say to keep on trying.

So I do.

But really, it's harder done than said.

I know that you would miss me but does it matter if your dead?

To be honest, I really just don't know what to do.

I know most my brothers hate me and sometimes I just feel used.

I'm not abused, not now, though the world has got me jaded.

You told me to be thankful but all the lies have got me hating.

To my life, I feel I'm wasting.

To death, I feel I'm waiting.

To feel that calm creep over me and in a casket laying. Skin decaying as bugs creep in and out my chest.

While everyone surrounding me is screaming I was "blessed."

What is blessed?

Food in my fridge?

A roof over head?

We've been without that stuff before, we worked for everything we had.

And what I have now.

A lot of it I fought for.

Though a lot was also given by some people very thoughtful.

But please don't get it twisted, I'm not looking for a handout.

I feel bad when people help me cause chances are they'll make me stand out.

Acting all concerned at first, next thing I know, I'm like their clown.

While it turns into a joke for them to tease and laugh and single out.

But I don't want to feel ashamed for the possessions that I have now.

So I'll swear it on your grave that someday I will stand proud.

No head bowed.

Respect is what I'll earn, I'm not kidding.

Though that's only if I live that long I cant say I'm committed.

I feel so fucking twisted.

Some days I feel I need some help but don't know how to get it.

Or even if I want it, though my thoughts may have me sickened.

I don't want the attention.

A million eyes upon my life is a nightmare my minds twisted.

The thing to throw me off the cliff might be that very vision.

It's messed up, I know, so I should try to take a step back.

Still, I wish I died when your death had made its impact.

Or better yet if I could just switch places with you.

Cause life was always better with you there to guide us through.

And your grandson, my nephew, who you never got to meet.

He just turned four months old and his smiles really sweet.

You would have loved him. Sometimes he makes me think of you.

Though that might just be because your eyes had the same shade blue.

And a shout out to Aaron your one and only son.

I know he had you worried for what you knew would come.

And I won't lie, your death, negatively changed us two.

And Aaron's far from perfect but he tries to pull us through.

Tatum too.

I know they need me so I'm trying.

That might be the only thought that keeps some life inside me.

I feel like dying.

I know it's time to make a choice.

Should I try and live my life? Or stay stuck and with you join.

Again, I'm sorry.

It's not fair to share these problems.

I feel bad and I feel selfish but I know that you'd help solve them.

Forever there, you were so awesome and though like us your far from perfect.

Not once did you stop trying, you said that we were worth it.

I really miss you now, I only see you in my dreams. On days when I'm real stressed, I think of you and scream "Why'd you leave?! Don't you know we needed you?!"

Then with guilt, I reminisce and know no blame belongs to you.

Still, I can't help but miss all those things you'd do for us.

Like run your fingers threw our hair when life was getting rough.

I really need you now I don't think I'm strong enough.

Do you think you could forgive me if I finally gave up?