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i want to apologize
apologize for being friends for years;
for supposedly leading you on,
and apologize for what i did,
what i said,
and what i was wearing-
that striped crew-neck was my favorite.
but most of all, Colin, i apologize for not being strong enough to say "no."
it was pure terror running through my veins- nothing but adrenaline, fear and poisoning narcotics.
i apologize for not being strong enough to say no, Colin, when your hand crept up my inner thigh, ever so slowly, i started to sweat while my body felt immensely cold.
and then i started to silently cry,
i mean, over the years i have learned to master the art of silent sobbing.
however, I'm sure you noticed-
just as your ice cold hand rubbed the tear drops flowing from my eyes and you quickly turned your head away from the mess you created.
i soon became numb to your movements, Colin.
and i, once again, apologize for not being strong enough to say "no."
I'm not finished with you-
almost like the way you told me to "hold on"
and how "it would be okay,"
i lost every bit of the sacred, white purity i was born with.
i am not done feeling violated
when you got off free-
nothing at all.
the drive home was more tempting than usual, i wanted to cry, but i couldn't.
i felt that if i cried i would succumb to being your victim
and i refuse to be a victim, Colin.
all that night, September 28th,
i tossed, and i turned-
seeing nothing but your face, Colin, every direction i turned.
i was so cold because all my walls were knocked down by you-
leaving me so vulnerable, naked, and scared.
trust was a two way street and you passed my car, knocking my entire life off of my road to recovery i had so far conquered.
I'm back to square one, Colin.
I hope you're happy with the way you manipulated my entire being- not just my body but my soul, too.
and for that i will never forgive you, Colin.