Dear Ana...

Dear Ana,

When are you gonna let me go

I want to be happy so just let me know

When you’re gonna release me

When you’re gonna free me

And let me love the way I am.

I hate the way you make me feel

I hate the way you make me think

You belittle me into nothing

And make me wish that I wasn’t me.

I wake up every day and see myself in the mirror

You tell me what shouldn’t be there couldn’t be clearer

From my face to my clothes

To my weight, you and I both know

That I won’t ever be good enough again.

You remind me every day and night

Just how worthless I am and I don’t put up a fight

So for you dear Ana I changed myself

Just so you would be proud of me.

I devoted myself to you

In an effort to calm you down

I stoped eating and began exercising more and more

And lost the weight that you had always implored

But that still, wasn’t good enough for you.

You continued to remind me

How I’m a worthless piece of shit

How no one will ever love me

And any sadness or hate I feel because of you

I deserve it 100 percent

You make me feel like I’m dying inside

But all I do is smile it off

Because you are a secret

A secret you say no one can ever know about.

So you prevent me from getting the help I need

I'm a mess, I'm depressed, I'm all alone and it’s your fault

Why me?

Why did you choose me?

These feelings are so unfair.

You make me anxious 24/7 but really, why the hell do I care?

It’s because you feed me false promises

Saying all you're giving me is help

You say I’ll be fine

You say I’ll get the body I’ve always wanted

It’ll all just come with time.

You cause me to overthink everything

Till' my thoughts are impaired

Counting calories now consumes me

Being perfect now controls me

But in the end this is all killing me.

Amazing friendships have been ruined

Anxiety attacks happen every single day

And now, self-harm has become my escape

From everyday pain.

Suicidal thoughts have led to attempts

Which have led to long hospital stays

Where I missed months and months of school

And it’s all because of you.

So “Dear Ana” is a lie

Those nicknames are meant for friends

You are a bully and a monster

And all you want is me dead.

So I’m gonna call you by your true name

A name that sends shivers down my spine

So…here goes nothing

Dear Anorexia…