Chapter 18

I remember when my mom looked at me in the eyes and told me that I looked depressed....

I looked her right back into her eyes and lied that I wasn't stressed...

She called a couple of relatives, hoping they'll get me to open up...

Uncle calling, Aunty calling, someone please tell them to stop calling my phone...

You think you're doing me a favor, but you're just pushing me away...

I don't wanna talk, I don't need anybody's help to find my way...

Just leave me alone, please, leave me alone...

When I took a break from college, I lost all of my guidance...

Out the house for consecutive days at a time, I'm 18 so who's going to stop me...

But coming back home was always a challenge...

Mom taking a cat nap on the couch by the door...

Waiting for me to ring the doorbell, just for her to sit there and disregard it...

It hurt me to my soul, at that moment I just wanted some sleep...

But at that moment she wanted to teach...

Working a 9-5 every day wasn't really for me...

I saw some people doing way better than me...

So I figured gambling would be my way to keep up...

Took major loses, so I had to finesse to pay up...

And sometimes moms debit card was the only way to get funds...

So many times she called the bank to disclaim the charges on the statements she saw...

So in shame, she couldn't even say it was her son...

*Hello! Some body help me please... *

Wait, I think the dealer heard me plead...

Now he's offering me something that I need...

I can't turn it down because that's what I seek...

I woke up every morning and counted my last to the dealer...

Then phone call to the homies to make sure they've all met with their dealers...

From Hyattsville to Greenbelt, we were at every corner getting higher...

From sun up to sun down, living the life of a fiend...

Some days I starved, just to get the high that I needed...

Clothes never changed, why care when I can go get my DOC.

Granny said I'm always covering my eyes whenever I come home....

She's left In doubt each time I step into the house with the different aromas of drugs that embodies me...

She told mom about it, now mom is alert...

Mom came downstairs to my room while I was taking a shower...

I heard a lot of screaming and immediately knew she found out....

She bussed the bathroom door open and told me to come out...

But I let the hot water run on me as I thought of my life.

She was so pissed off as she left for work...

But before she left she told me she hopes she dies on her way work...

I watched her lock the doors as the car drove off...

At that moment I thought to myself "what if she doesn't make it safely to work, am I responsible for letting her drive away?"

3 minutes later I heard a loud echoing sound of a car crash...

I almost passed out thinking it could be her...

I ran into the house to get my brother Azi's phone so I could call her...

I called about 5 times but she didn't pick up...

So I started running from my house towards University Blvd...

As I was running she called my brother's phone, I picked up and said "Mommy", she responded, yelling my brother's name 3 times "Azi, Azi, Azi", I responded with "Mommy it's me, Tongwa" but the line had already been disconnected...

At that moment, I believed I had just heard my mother's last words....

I dropped down and busted out tears...

Hannon Street was quiet, I felt I was the only one in this world...

I asked myself a series of questions...

"Who replaces my mom now that she's no more?

How do I call my 3 brothers and tell them that mommy is no more?

How do I tell them that I'm the reason she died?

Or do I keep the truth away from them, and have them living their whole lives without ever finding out?

Do I get to live my life from 18 onwards in regret?"

Sway, so many questions and I didn't have the answers too...

By the time I got to University Blvd, the streets were clear...

I then tried to figure out if it happened on another street...

I was so tired and out of breath so I didn't have the energy to keep running around....

My brother's phone had a lock on it so the only phone call I could make was to 911...

So I called and asked if an accident had to be reported...

They asked me why, I said nothing I'm just checking...

But the tone of my voice revealed to the respondent that something was wrong...

So she asked again and I told her everything that had happened...

She asked for my mom's identity and then told me she'll call me if anything...

I went home and waited for hours, still no call...

Fell asleep and the first thing I saw when I opened my eyes was my mom...

She said the police came looking for her at her job last night...

That was the end of that conversation...

At that point, she realized how much I truly care for her.

It numbed all the pain so I fell in love with it...

I couldn't breathe, I almost died from it...

Should've made my way to the emergency room, instead I told myself "No, if this is the end then let me go..."

But I somehow woke up out of it...

Now I'm wondering what God really wants from me....

Where was he when I was going down that steep hill...

Why didn't he ever answer me when I needed to hear him the most....

Why did he save me from that deadly car crash....

I'm really starting to believe that he has better plans for me...

But I couldn't keep believing when I saw nothing happening...

A month later, I came home one night and tried to have a conversation with my mom....

I stuttered the words "I mean...I mean...I mean" about 20 times....

She said something is wrong with me, and I tried to oppose, but I stuttered and stuttered and stuttered again.

I walked off in tears.

I called my dad and told him that I'm ready to give it up...

I didn't know how to tell my mom so I told him to tell her that I'm ready for rehab...

He cried on the phone with me and told me it'll be okay...

As I cried, I couldn't believe that it had gotten to that point...

But before I could wake up the next day, mom called me and said she had just set up everything and I'll be leaving the following day...

Flight to Cali for my first time, on my way to recovery...

80k for a month worth of treatment, how did I let this drug get the best of me.

Thousands of miles away from home...

Thousands of miles away from my loved ones...

Detox made me feel rejuvenated...

I made friends whose stories kept me motivated...

Grown men and women cried when I read parts of my diary to them...

Their remarks and encouragement to keep writing is the reason why I've been blogging...

When I came home, the following day mom told me "these past years, I've not been able to sleep comfortably, I slept peacefully last night".

I found my higher power on the road to recovery...

He revealed himself to me in a way I could've never imagined...

I've been trusting his time and believing he made everything happen for a reason.

I'm grateful for the opportunity to have undergone those changes...

It pulled me away from everything and helped me find my purpose in life...

Now I wake up every day and live with a purpose.

Part 2

Martin gave me his all when he was down to his last...

He goes through more than what I've got to deal with, but he always puts fam first before anything else...

He's my brother from another, if I make, he's the one I can never forget...

Alo understood where I was at, but he never once made it look bad...

If I didn't start hanging out with him, I don't wanna imagine what I would've been doing out there...

Another one of my cousins who motivated me to be where I'm at, and I promise him the life we've always dreamed off...

Rozay guided me to the path and it's looking more purposeful now...

Ateh been my dawg, not a day goes by that we don't talk....

I honestly feel like I lead him into the wrong path with the way he's living....

My momma always thought you were a scholar but now your mom hates when we're both together...

This shit so hard, I wish he understands and hope I'm forgiven...

You been my dawg and always gon be my dawg, no barricade can be built between us...

Garyelle stayed the same, she was the only friend that never left...

She dealt with all the attitudes and the behavioral patterns...

In disbelief, I sometimes wondered if she did it all for a prize...

And yes she did it for a prize, a prize known as

"A Real Friend".

Another friend of mine that I've talked about in a couple of my blogs...

Your luminous presence brought a lot of happiness into my world...

You gave me hope in times that I needed God more...

Being yourself is something I've always appreciated and adored...

When I pushed you away, it gave me more time to reflect and learn to appreciate you more...

I used your absence from my life as a reason to gravitate towards being a better Man...

Someone please tell her that I sincerely apologize for not living up to my standards.